Robinho's diva demands shock Chelsea

Real Madrid ace Robhinho has shocked the Chelsea board by giving them a list of demands should he sign for the club.

The Brazilian ace, who has been training with the Spanish giants this week gave a list to Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich and cheif executive Peter Kenyon. The list is as follows;

* To be guaranteed the number 10 or number 7 shirt for his entire Chelsea F.C. career.

* To start or be rested that any game he chooses for his entire Chelsea F.C. career despite manager's choice.

* 3 houses in London area. Value is to be no less than £1million each.

* 5 sports cars, 3 motorbikes and one jeep. Specifics to be confirmed.

* Chelsea F.C. must sign 1 player a month from his native São Vicente, São Paulo for their youth system for the rest of his Chelsea F.C. career giving them all at least a 1 year contract.

* 40 parking spaces in London area.

* 5 mobile phones are to be provided with unlimited use and the bill is to be paid by Chelsea F.C.

* To own his own land "somewhere in the countryside no less than 1 hour from London". Approximately 5 acres big as Robinho loves farming.

* To have "ROBINHO" written in different couloured seats in the stand at Stamford Bridge for at least 3 seasons.

* Chelsea F.C. are to pay for and arrange four holidays per annum for 30 of his family members of his choice in Brazil to go to anywhere in Europe for minimum 5 days - maximum 16 days.

* Robinho is to be given a guard of honour by team-mates for first 10 home games at Stamford Bridge.

* Free healthcare in London for the rest of Robinho's life.

* 100 x £50 vouchers for online Chelsea F.C. club shop to be sent to 100 family/friends in Madrid and São Paulo each fortnight.

* 1 x private jet

* 1 x helicoper

* 1 x speedboat on the Thames River.

* 2 bodyguards on 24 hour call.

Champions league draw and opinions.

Group A CHELSEA, Roma, Bordeaux, CFR Cluj
Group B Inter Milan, Werder Bremen, Panathinaikos, Anorthosis Famagusta
Group C Barcelona, Sporting Lisbon, Basel, Shakhtar Donetsk
Group D LIVERPOOL, PSV Eindhoven, Marseille, Atletico Madrid
Group E MAN UTD, Villarreal, Celtic, Aalborg
Group F Lyon, Bayern Munich, Steaua Bucharest, Fiorentina
Group G ARSENAL, Porto, Fenerbahce, Dynamo Kiev
Group H Real Madrid, Juventus, Zenit St Petersburg, Bate Borisov

Chelsea manager "Big Phil" Scolari commented "It is important group for us. It was fantastic we drew the teams we paid UEFA to draw us with."
Inter Milan manager Jose Mourinho said "If you have three apples. One in one hand, another in the other hand, do you put the third in your mouth? That is what I think of this group."
Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola commented "I am going to ask UEFA can we wear our home strip when playing away to Basel."
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez told reporters "Easy group. Next question?"
Sir Alex Ferguson of Manchester United said "Who the fuck are Aalborg? Where is that? Don't say a cold climate."
Bayern Munich Jürgen Klinsmann said "I want to bring sexy football into the Champions League. I feel Steaua Bucharest may not be into it."
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said after the draw "What am I doing? I'm wasting my whole life in football (sobs). I'm 58 fucking years of age and I've no kids or never married (sobs). What's my legacy? Football? Henry? Pires? Vieira? Hoo-fucking-ray"
Real Madrid coach Bernd Schuster said the competition is "as good as won"

Shaun Wright-Phillips "forced" to re-sign to Man City

New Manchester City signing Shaun Wright-Phillips has told reporters he was "forced" to re-sign for Man City.

"Well, when I met Thaksin Shinawatra and Mark Hughes, they locked the door behind me and Shinawatra pulled out a 9-iron golf club and approached me. Mark Hughes, one of my heroes, then pulls out a steak knife and they told me if I didn't sign a contract that I would be beaten to an inch of my life and stabbed in the testicles." Wright-Philips explained.

Shaun Wright-Phillips signed a contract and is now officially a Manchester City player and signed a four-year contract worth approximately £80,000 a week.

"I am fucking shitting myself. What if miss a penalty? Or score an own goal? Is Thaksin going to dismember me?" Wright-Philips said.

Footballers make knife-crime plea

David Beckham has joined other England football stars to call on young people to stop carrying knives.

The LA Galaxy midfielder said "I live in Los Angeles and gun crime seems like a more appropriate way to murder somebody. Knives are somewhat cold blooded. A gunshot wound to the head, the victim wont know much about it. Good for the soul.".

Police are investigating Beckham's comments.

Gareth Barry transfer saga : latest

Aston Villa's Gareth Barry revealed that he is pledging his "love and commitment to Aston Villa".

The England international told the Daily Star "I was totally disillusioned with the Liverpool fiasco. The bids they put in. I know want to tell everyone of my love and commitment to Aston Villa Football Club. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Aston Villa's badge and a picture of Martin O'Neill on my leg. I love this club. I will never leave."

The saga continues.

Not one club in the world wants Eto'o.

Given the news this week that Barcleona manager Pep Guardiola dedided he is going to keep striker Samuel Eto'o, it has been revealed that no club on earth were interested in the Cameroon international.
Director of Football, Txiki Begiristain told press "We sent out emails, faxes and letters to every club in every league in the world. We hired 300 staff to do this over the past few weeks. Every club responded with a polite "thanks but no thanks" letter with the exception of Newcastle United in England who told us to go fuck ourselves. So Samuel will remain a Barcelona player. Not by choice."

Eto'o told Football News at Barcelona's training facility at the Camp Nou today "Well, it is an honour for me to wear the Barcelona shirt once more. I was scared some team like Charlton or Shakhtar Donetsk or Steaua Bucureşti or some other nobody would want me. Thankfully nobody did."

Matt Damon takes Michael Ballack to court

Hollywood actor Matt Damon is suing Chelsea and Germany maestro Michale Ballack for unknown reasons at this time.
The star of Good Will Hunting told reporters he is "sick to death of the constant talk" that he and Michael Ballack are never seen in the same room together, sparking rumours, they are the same person.
More on this story as it breaks.

Gareth Barry transfer saga : latest.

Gareth Barry, who has had bids turned down by Liverpool for him from his club Aston Villa, has told reporters "he just wants out".

"I watched the Liverpool and Lazio game the other day. I thought to myself that could be on that pitch. I seen the Community Shield and I asked myself "why am I not out there today?". But most of all, why the hell am I stuck at this mid-table club in Birmingham? I don't even like this place. The good Lord came to me last night in a dream and told me to get out. To anybody. So I just want out, people. I know the gaffer won't sell me for anything less than something like £100 million or something silly. But I want out. So, I appeal to my own gaffer and gaffers of every club in the world, please rescue me. And if Mr Schuster is watching, I'd love to sign for Madrid if Ronaldo ain't going. You can pay me £100 a-week. I don't mind. I just want out." Barry told reporters.

Eric Cantona makes porn film.

Manchester United legend Eric Cantona, whose subsequent career has mostly been in the French cinema, primarily as an actor although he has also directed one film, has written, directed and starred in his own pornographic film.

"Her Wet Zip" is the pornographic debut from the 42 year-old Frenchman. It sees King Eric perform sex acts such as a dirty sanchez and ass-to-mouth with a host of young porno actresses.

Sir Alex Ferguson has stated his "disgust at Eric's poor taste" at his latest movie to Football News after the Community Shield at Wembley.

Carlos Tévez contemplating retirement after Community Shield win.

Manchester United striker Carlos Tévez told reporters he is considering retirement after United's Community Shield win, claiming it has always been his dream to win this honour.

"Yes. Ever since I was a little boy in Argentina, I would see teams win the Community Sield, or Charity Shield. I remember I seen Leeds win it in '92 and I have been addicted ever since. I always thought that no matter what I would win, if I win the Community Shield, I feel there would be nothing better. Never mind the Wolrd Cup, the Copa América, Copa Libertadores or even the Champions League. The Community Shield was everything to me. I don't know if there's anything I could win that would mean anything" Tévez told a press conference.

Sir Alex Ferguson declined to comment.

Rafael Benitez fined for excessive drunkeness and clubbing the night before a home match.

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez was fined £5,000 by the club for his extreme drunken behaviour with page 3 models and strippers the night before the pre-season game against Lazio.

The 48 year old Champions League winner initially went for a meal in Jamie Carragher's restautant Cafe Sports England with some former Liverpool players including Sammy Lee, Kenny Dalglish, Steve McManaman, Alan Hansen and Ronnie Whelan where benitez was said to have drank two bottles of wine. The Spaniard left at approximately 8PM with Ronnie Whelan and Sammy Lee and the trio proceeded to the Cavern Club in the city's famous Matthew Street where they reportedly has at least four pints each according to sources. The trio left with three girls who work in a nearby strip club. The six, including Benitez, proceeded to BabyCream bar at the Albert Dock where they drank shots with the strippers and the Liverpool manager downed several shots according to eyewitnesses.

At 11.20PM, Benitez and Lee proceeded to the Lime Kiln Bar at Concert Square in the heart of the city, where the two men were allegedly smoking outside the venue and Lee was kissing a (unnamed) page 3 model while Benitez was vomiting according to eyewitnesses. Benitez was last seen entering a taxi alone at 2.20AM at Concert Square still clutching a bottle of beer. With the numerous fan photographs and MMS pictures of Benitez's wild night out, Liverpool FC had no choice but to fine the manager for acting "unprofessionally" as this behaviour all occured the night before before Liverpool's pre-season game against Lazio.

Ashley Cole threatens to leave Chelsea.

Chelsea defender Ashley Cole admitted he may leave Chelsea unless he gets a rather unusual demand.

The 27 year old former Arsenal player told Chelsea TV "Basically, I told the gaffer that I'm more than a footballer, I'm a star. I'm the talent. I see more kids wear COLE 3 football shirts in the Bridge than anyone else. So I said I need to be comfortable at all times if I'm to sell Chelsea shirts and if 40,000 plus come see me every week. So for starters I want to have six men in white suits carry me out onto the pitch. The gaffer said he couldn't do that so I said to him if it can't be done, there's no point me staying here. Know what I mean? I'm worth too much."

The saga continues.

Kaká explains trademark slogan.

26 year old AC Milan wizard Kaká has explained the meaning behind his famous "I BELONG TO JESUS" shirt he wears under his football shirt at games.

Talking to Italian Sky Sports, the Brazilian said "It goes back to 2003 when I left São Paulo for Milan basically my agent signed over the rights to me as a player to the Catholic Church. So basically, I do belong to Jesus".

Amsterdam Tournament to take place at Wembley next year.

The Amsterdam Tournament, which this year seen Ajax, Arsenal, Sevilla and Inter Milan compete, will next year be played at Wembley Stadium.

It will be called "Amsterdam Tournament on Tour" for marketing purposes and the English and Dutch FA's are both delighted. FA Chief executives Brian Barwick said "The tournament has featured an English team every year since 2000. None of the English like travel. And everybody gives out when English fans do travel abroad claiming they are hooligans. Well, they won't behave this way in their own back garden. Problem solved." he told a press conference. Royal Netherlands Football Association president Jeu Sprengers says the motives were different adding "Well, they offered us a massive sum of money. We accepted. Now we go to London to play this so-called cup."

Colin Kazim-Richards not eligible to play for Turkey.

Under new Turkish law, Colin Kazim-Richards is no longer eligible to play for the Tukish national team. Passports can only be claimed for those born in Turkey and all passports for those born in foreign countries are revoked.

This could mean that the Fenerbahçe midfielder, known in Turkey as Kâzım Kâzım, will have his caps taken off him. But the 21-year old could also have his family down £1 mil as his father made a bet in 2003 on that his son would get at least 10 caps for Turkey. The player is only on 7 caps at time of writing. The player is reported to be "not bothered too much".

Ronaldinho gives real reason why he chose number 80.

New AC Milan signing Ronaldinho has given the real reason why he has the number 80 shirt. At first, it was widely believed that it was for the year of his birth, but Ronaldinho insisted in magazine World Soccer that this was not the case.

"The real reason is actually that I have 80 illigitimet children all over the world since 2002. This is a tribute to every one of them. It is just coincidence it also the year of my birth, but my children deserve some sort of mention." the former Barcelona ace explained.

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar opens Amsterdam coffee shop.

Ajax maestro Klaas-Jan Huntelaar has opened a coffee shop in the centre of Amsterdam that sells coffee and every type of cannabis possible. The shop, called "Klaas's Smoking Coffee Hour" was opened last Friday by the man himself and guest and Ajax coach Marco van Basten, who christened the shop by having it's first joint. "It's good stuff. My face is a bit numb now. I think I need to lie down" van Basten told reporters.

Huntelaar explained to Football News "Amsterdam is no longer famous for Van Gough and the culture aspect of it. People come here to get very stoned, sleep with some hookers and get as intoxicated as humanly possible. Our economy thrives on it."

Harry Redknapp wants to unsettle Deco.

Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp admitted on an interview he wants to deliberately unsettle Chelsea midfielder Deco.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, well you know, if I could get Deco on the dog and bone, pretend I'm someone at Chelsea, not someone monkeying about, and tell stuff like how Chelsea is full of drugs and violence and money laundering and Russian Mafia and all that gab, hopefully it'll unsettle him and I can swoop in in the January transfer window and be all chinese rice to him and hopefully and ultimately bring him here to our lovely jubbly football rub a dub dub" Redknapp told Sky Sports.

Chelsea are investigating the comments and are likely to go the FA with a complaint.

São Paulo manager threatens to rape players depending on results.

Contraversial manager Muricy Ramalho of São Paulo Futebol Clube has warned players if the bad results come in, he will "one by one" sexually rape them.

In an open letter to Brazilian newspaper Sport, "It's as simple as this. If São Paulo Futebol Clube are not successful this season, I will physically and sexually rape all my players, one by one, when they least expect it. At the training ground, in the shower, on a plane, at home in their beds. I will creep in and poke them hard. Then we will soon see results". São Paulo chairman Juvenal Juvêncio appears to be in support of his manager's bizarre ways stating "It's his club to manage. He must do what he must do. If rape gets me the title, rape it is!".

São Paulo goalkeeper and club captain Rogério Ceni told ESPN, "Surely he can not do this. Threaten us with sexual abuse. It is not nice and most intimidating. Especially with me being the goalkeeper and easy to blame. I'd be first. We are not in prison. We are a club. I should resign, but I love the club just that bit too much."

PSG want to merge with Lyon and Auxerre

Paris Saint-Germain FC, who themselves were founded in 1970 by the merger of Paris FC Stade Saint-Germain want to merge into a "superclub" with Lyon and Nice.

The idea was put forth by Paris Saint-Germain chairman Charles Villeneuve who put the idea to the board of both clubs, who reportedly both seem keen. "Yes, it will be most fantastic" explained Villeneuve, "and one fantastic aspect is that we may still be based in Paris but the name of the club could be PSG Lyonice FC and we think that sounds most appealing. We can all go in with everything being split 33.3%. This will mean the sale of a lot of players but we feel we can become invincible. Contracts have to be drawn up first though."

France legend Zinedine Zidane has hinted he would come out of retirement to join the club. According to zidane.fr "It would take a large offer to get me out of retirement. I am enjoying life with my family. But a new Paris based club sounds interesting."

Cristiano Ronaldo shirts sold at Real Madrid Club shop.

The Real Madrid club shop at the Santiago Bernabéu Stadium are selling R.Madrid "C.RONALDO 27" replica shirts despite the fact that he is still a Manchester United player. With the summer being filled with speculation about Ronaldo's move to the Spanish giants, he now looks likely to remain a Man United player. This is not stopping the ever-ambitious Real Madrid.

"It is fantastic. With all these shirts being sold, he couldn't be so rude and refuse coming here. Besides, it always rains in Manchester." said one shopper.

According to statistics at shop.realmadrid.com, a replica shirt with RONALDO 27 on the back will cost €70 and there has been reportedly 12,000 sold already.

Giovanni van Bronckhorst to buy squad number.

Feynoord left back Giovanni van Bronckhorst is so eager to wear the number 5 jersey he has agreed to purchase it from current holder Tim de Cler for €1.5 mil.

"I don't like number 8. Number 5 has been my number for my country for years. Tim said he wouldn't give it up. So I made him an offer of €50 which he refused. He managed to get me up to €1.5 mil which he accpeted by cheque. I wrote the wrong figure on the cheque so hopefully he won't notice I only gave him €1.50. Hopefully he finds the funny side of it" the former Barcelona star said.

Tim de Cler told reporters "I am delighted with the transaction. €1.5 mil is nothing in today's game. A squad number is very important for the player. If he wants to pay it, pay it then he shall. Now if you'll excuse me gentleman. I'm going to cash this cheque as I've bought a villa in Portugal and a private jet."

Guti fined for excessive goal celebration.

Real Madrid midfielder Guti was fined €10,000 for his excessive goal celebration in a pre-season match today.
Guti scored a diving header in Real Madrid's 3-0 training pre-season match against Real Madrid B at the Santiago Bernabéu Stadium in front of 21,500 fans. Immediately after scoring the goal, the 31 year old Madrid native ran to the corner flag and stuck his finger up his anus through his shorts screaming "I hate guys, I love women you sons of bitches".
The club fined him immediately after the match and chairman Roman Calderon the player he was not to dare pull any more stunts like that "or else". Guti apologised to fans on realmadrid.com this evening.

José Bosingwa literally "cannot believe" he signed for Chelsea.

Chelsea F.C.'s Portugese defender José Bosingwa told FourFourTwo.com today that he thought he had signed for Arsenal when he arrived in London but was too embarrassed to say anything when he landed at Heathrow Airport.

"I keep getting the two clubs mixed up. I thought Chelsea was Arsenal and Arsenal were Chelsea. I wanted to play alongside Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie for sure. Not alongside JT (John Terry) or Lamps (Frank Lampard). But I've signed now and I'm here. So I suppose I'd better do my job. Maybe if I put in a transfer request in January and see if my agent can get onto Arsene Wenger to see if he'll take me. I'd take massive pay-cut. We'll see what happens" Bosingwa said.

Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich is reportedly livid at these revalations. "I will kill that motherfucker with my AK-47 if I see him" it was reported he told his assistant at Stamford Bridge. Police are investigating these allegations.

Giovanni Trappattoni asks Irish girls to marry Brazilian men for money.

Republic of Ireland manager Giovanni Trappattoni told the Irish public that it's single women should arrange marrying young upcoming Brazilian footballers, in order for them to gain a passport for the Republic.

"I think it should be almost compulsary. We only have two or three good players. The rest are average or below average. If you get 3,000 Irish ladies to marry 3,000 Brazilian footballers, that means we have 3,000 more options for our team. We will pay both parties obviously. Brazil produces the best footballers and out of 3,000 at least one or two will become world class if they are trained correctly." Trappattoni told BBC Sport.

Brazilian team Fluiminese have reportedly told the FAI they will let 150 of their youth players aged 16-20 marry Irish women for passports for a "small fee".

Fernando Torres gets second job in a mobile phone shop.

Anfield legend Fernando Torres has got a second part-time job in a Vodafone outlet store in Liverpool's city centre to "pass the time".

The Spanish international told Liverpool Echo "there isn't that much to do in Liverpool except go drinking, clubbing, golfing, driving or play football, and I play football professionally and don't like any of the others so I decided to get a job to pass the time. Plus, it gives me more pocket money for petrol, DVD's and groceries and stuff".

"The reason I got a job here in this Vodafone store is because my phone is Vodafone and I like this street. It's only a 10-15 minute drive from my apartment. Xabi (Alonso) came in the other day looking for a replacement sim card. I barred him because I have the power to do so. I told him I was joking and told him to come back but I didn't give him a discount because I am also on commission."

Fernando works 3-4 hours every second day in the Vodafone Store in Parker Street, Liverpool.

Giovani dos Santos sparks trouble in training.

Tottenham whizzkid Giovani dos Santos landed himself in hot water with coach Juande Ramos after he revelaed a t-shirt with Austrian sex-pest Josef Fritzl's image on it during training session.

The former Barcelona player is said to be a sympathiser of Frizl's actions having told friends that he committed those gruesome acts with his daughter "out of love". Fritzl is currently held in custody having held his daughter captive in an underground dungeon for 24 years forcing her to father seven children by him.

Spurs' coach Juande Ramos fined dos Santos two weeks wages and ordered him never to wear that t-shirt again. Dos Santos' father Gerardo told Mexican press that his son was "considering getting Fritzl's face tattooed on his forearm" which will land him in extreme trouble with the north London club.

Celtic and Rangers "allowed" to join South African premier league

Despite the common pub-talk of "should Celtic and Rangers play in the Premiership", the South African FA have said they would let both teams join the ABSA Premier League, the top tier of South African football.

Both clubs said they would love to play in any league except the SPL and this is the first offer both clubs have had.

The South African FA said both clubs would have to relocate in the same city in South Africa, for the derby element with Cape Town being the likely contender. Both clubs' stadia are set to be demolished and rebuilt in their new city using the same bricks.

Head of Celtic Bhoys Supporters Group Alan McNeill is furious telling us "I cannae fucking believe it like. How am I supposed to get ma arse down to fuckin' South Africa to see the hoops?"
Rangers Loyal Supporters Club founder Billy French is pleased, "Aye...it's nae too fuckin bad. Beers are cheaper in South Africa like. I'm gonnae buy ma flat in Cape Town so I cannae wait for the season to begin".

Norwich City to become "new Real Madrid" says new owner Bill Gates.

Microsoft founder and new Norwich City manager Bill Gates told a press conference that he will turn the club around into the new Real Madrid since he bought the club for £220 mil earlier today.

The Seattle-born billionaire told a press conference at the Norwich Hilton "I have always watched Norwich City at home in the States. I have loved them since the era of Jeremy Goss and Chris Sutton. I feel at home here in Norwich and I will turn this club around into the new Real Madrid. I will invest £10 billion into the club to upgrade the stadium, new staff, new players and new everything. I will turn Carrow Road into a new 85,000 all-seater stadium and I will be looking for players like Luis Figo, Ronaldo, Raul, Roberto Carlos, David Beckham and, if I can get him out of retirement, Zinedine Zidane to build the club in the direction it deserves to be in".

Manager Glenn Roeder has been sacked also this morning, with Frank Rijkaard likely to become his new successor.

Gates has confirmed that all the current players have all been sacked and he is looking for world class galacticos with the exception of Gary Doherty who Gates is a fan of and insists that he will be club captain and even offered him a new five-year contract worth £130,000 a week.
The city of Norwich may never be the same again...

Fabio Cappello to gamble on new formation.

England manager Fabio Capello told Football News that he plans un unveil a new formation that will win him "everything possible".

The proposed idea is that he will play a 1-2-7 formation. One defender, two midfielders and seven forwards. Which is bad news for many of England's defenders fighting for that one place and the midfielder's all struggling for the two available places, but it will however be good news for many of England's players such as Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch who have struggled to be first choice strikers.

"It is a fantastic idea. Sure, the opposition may score many times because we have one defender but we will bombard their defence with our seven strikers." Capello said.

He had previously tried a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation in a training match against England U-21's at their training ground which the senior team ultimately lost 32-1, the one goal coming ironically from goalkeeper David James.

Maldini signs a 14 year extension at Milan.

AC Milan veteran Paolo Maldini has signed a 14 year extension which earn him a cool €5 mil a year. The 40-year old former Italian international will be 54 years old when he retires from the game. A clause in his contract means he must play 75% of the season despite any injuries or family berevaments.

"I am very happy. To be able to play football until I am leat 54 is a dream come true. And even when that contract expires I hope to be in top shape to be able to sign another one. I expect to completely retire when I'm 75, maybe 80." said the defender.

Milan team-mate Ronaldinho said "He is a true star. Many people are well retired by the time they even reach 35. Paolo is an inspiration. I just hope he doesn't die in the mean-time".

Maldini also got a tattoo of "AC MILAN" tattoed on his eyelids showing his complete support and loyalty to the club.

Lukas Podolski "interested" in becoming Manchester United manager

23-year old Bayern Munich and Germany star Lukas Podolski told German TV that he is very interested in becoming Manchester United manager once Alex Ferguson steps down.

Ferguson said the Polish born player would be "the most ideal candidate to take over" once he had retired. Many fans, writers, critics and fellow footballers are absolutely against the idea of Podolski becoming manager except one Frank Rijkaard who told Sky Sports News "He is qualified to take over such a team. Look what happened when Staunton took over Republic of Ireland with no experience? They won some games".

Joey Barton fights himself in training.

Newcastle United star Joey Barton had to be restrained by team-mates at a training session after he was on the ground repeatedly punching himself in the face and chasing himself with with his own boot in his hand after he made a bad pass and screaming "I'll fucking rape you" (at himself) as he ran all over the pitch in a haze of his own anger.

Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan said "Joey's obviously very upset and he'll get the time he needs to get his head together."

More on this story as it breaks.

Paul McShane is a target for River Plate.

Buenos Aires giants River Plate are reportedly going to make a £9 mil bid for Sunderland defender Paul McShane.

Manager Diego Simeone said that McShane is the "greatest player to ever kick a ball". The 22 year old Irish international has admitted although he has never heard of River Plate nor does he know where Buenos Aires is (he thought it was in Glasgow), he said he is relishing the prospect of playing for such a massive club.

Sunderland manager Roy Keane said McShane is surplus to requirments at the Stadium of Light and has since gained interest from AC Milan, Bayern Munich, Sligo Rovers, Celtic and Real Madrid. However it seems to be Rover Plate that will win the Wicklow-born defender.

McShane's mother Anne told Irish radio station 2FM that she hopes her son's pale skin "doesn't get burned in that Italian sun" (she got Buenos Aires confused with Naples).

The deal is set to be done in the coming days.

Scientology to be shirt sponsor of LA Galaxy

Cash strapped LA Galaxy have announced that the Church of Scientology will be the new shirt sponsor for the next two seasons, earning the club $10 mil a season. It was confirmed on the Galaxy's website that David Beckham asked Tom Cruise if he could ask the Church would they sponsor the club which they agreed to with one condition; everybody who wears an LA Galaxy shirt is automatically converted to the religion and must sign a form before they get a shirt to confirm so. This includes players, staff and even fans.

Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz said in USA Today "I am glad that the Church of Scientology is going to sponsor us. It'll raise both our profiles as organisations.".

Celtic, in a copycat idea, are rumoured to be hoping Pope Benedict XVI to consider sponsoring Celtic for the 2009/2010 season. Watch this space.

Cesc Fabregas denies he ever played at Barça

In an interview with FourFourTwo.com, Arsenal maestro Cesc Fabregas denied he has ever played for Barcelona. "No, no, no...I started my career at Arsenal. This is where I'll finish." explained Cesc, despite it being a known fact that he and his family has supported FC Barcelona since childhood and went to his first match when he was nine months old with his grandfather and played for their youth team for many years scoring more than 30 goals a season before Arsene Wenger took him to London in 2003.

"I have no idea where all this came from. I was born in Spain yes, but I have been playing here (in London) since 2003 and did not play before then. I used to play with my friends in Arenys de Mar on the street and in a park. Never at Barça. I am puzzled where all this came from" a bemused Cesc said. When shown a photo of him wearing the famous blaugrana shirt of Barcelona in a youth match he shrugged and said "that's not me".

Rumours are floating around that Arsene Wenger may be using hypnosis on the 21 year old 2008 European Champion.

AC Milan & Inter to perform massive San Siro upgrade.

City rivals AC Milan and Inter Milan, who both share the massive San Siro have come to an agreement to increase the size of the stadium. The agreement will see the stadium rise from it's current 82,955 capacity to a staggering 310,000 mega-stadium. It will be approximately twice it's current size in height and have five main tiers of seating around the pitch.

It will still be called the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza (Stadio San Siro) and will be the first UEFA ten-star stadium. It was also have a hotel, 24hr bar, supporters lounge, 50 snack kiosks, a shopping centre, an airport and a DIY store all within the stadium. Building will start immediately and should be finished within a fortnight as there will be almost two million construction workers on site working 24 hours a day. Cost of the upgrade is almost €30 billion.

In the meantime both Milanese clubs will play their home games at the Emirates Stadium, London.

Maradona "thinking of coming out of retirement"

Argentine legend Diego Maradona told a radio station in Cuba yesterday that he may once again put on the famous light blue & white striped shirt of Argentina. "I am in the best shape of my career. I don't drink, smoke or take any drugs. I feel I could wear the number 10 for Argentina and possibly play a season for a big club. Boca Juniors, Barcelona or Celtic if any of them will have me." Maradona told Radio Havana.

The 47 year old former Napoli striker said he was strongly considering growing a moustache. "Yes, I am thinking about it, very much so." Maradona explained, "it is long the facial hair choice of supreme leaders, I feel I have that quality. Why not? All the best footballers had moustaches also."

Argentina coach Alfio Basile said he would "definitely have Diego in every match" and award him the captaincy if he came out of retirement.

Steven Gerrard shocking revelations in interview.

Liverpool genius Steven Gerrard let loose on his private and public life in an in depth interview with the BBC this week.

He revealed how he planned on kidnapping Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez and torturing him if he bought another Spanish player in 2005.

He spilled the beans on his massive "import/export" business with a local gangster which seen him bring in £2 mil worth of drugs every month in 2007.

The Liverpool captain told how Wayne Rooney begged him to let him have sex with his wife Alex Curran, even offering Gerrard £10 mil in cash at one point during the 2006 world cup.

He even told in depth about his aspirations to become a stand-up comic once he hangs up his boots and how much he is looking forward to taking up smoking.

It can be seen this Monday at 9pm on BBC1.

Samuel Eto'o wants to join Celtic.

As previously reported about Celtic's very own galactico era, Barcelona striker Samuel Eto'o said he wants to join the new revolution at Celtic Park.
"I will cut my own motherfucking balls off to be a part of it. Any cocksucker who thinks I'm not good enough to play for Celtic needs to get thrown in a barrel of shit and recycled in camel urine." Eto'o told Spanish newspaper Marca.
Barcelona Joan Laporta told Football News "He is an important player for us. But we will only sell him for anything over €1 million. Any less is not negotiable."
Eto'o agent was photographed in Glasgow this morning having a glass of Buckfast and a cigarette with members of Celtic FC's boardroom.

Jose Mourinho admits to kissing Guti

Inter Milan manager Jose Mourinho admitted to kissing Real Madrid midfielder Guti "tongues and everything" in the toilet of a charity event at a Madrid hotel. He told Football News; "Yes. We did briefly kiss. In the toilet. Yeah, it was tongues and everything. But it was love. And love makes us all stronger. And I want to be as strong as I can for the season ahead. That's all I'm going to say on the matter". The former Chelsea manager's marriage seems on the rocks now according to sources.

Guti was the subject of dressing room jokes according to our Spanish sources with team mates leaving "Mrs Mourinho" t-shirts and strap-on dildo's with Portugese flags on them at Guti's changing locker.

Arsene Wenger joins Oasis for one night only.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is set to join Oasis on drums for one concert at the Rexall Place in Edmonton, Canada on Friday 29th August. Wenger was seen at Oasis' rehearsal rooms in London this week clutching a cigarette and looking unshaven. "It was a complete change from his usual appearance" a pal told Football News. Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher told Q Magazine "He's a fucking great geezer and a shit hot drummer. Fuck his managerial abilities, that cunt drumming on Lyla is on of the Greatest things I've ever seen.". Meanwhile brother and singer Liam Gallagher is less pleased about the appointment "I'd only have him as a permanent fixture in my fucking band if he was Man City manager. I fucking hate Arsenal and their stupid mess. But I suppose a good drummer is a good drummer".

Arsene Wenger was unavailable for comment at the time of writing.

Celtic to start their own "galactico era"

Celtic FC chairman Dr. John Reid and manager Gordon Strachan have announced plans to start their very own galactico era. Similar to that of Real Madrid's former policy under Florentino Perez.
"We're very excited. We don't mind how much debt we run up. We know we'll make it back" said Reid.
Confirmed targets include Kaka', Iker Cassillas, Lionel Messi and Cesc Fabregas.
"We have made bids for all of these players and I can confirm that Arsenal have accepted our £89 million bid for Cesc. We are waiting to hear back from the other clubs but considering what we are offering, we are more than confident they will all come." Reid told a press conference at Celtic Park.

Gordon Strachan seemed surprised. "Well, when the chairman told me to look for some quality players, I sent some scouts round to the Raith Rovers' under 19's last week to see if we can snap up a whizz kid for about £20,000. But I had fucking no idea he was gonna give us billions for world class. I hope he doesn't run the club into debt." said the 51-year old former Manchester United player.

Rumoured targets include Fernando Torres, Cristiano Ronaldo and Steven Gerrard.

Oleguer "not bothered" with Ajax move.

Former Barcelona player Oleguer Presas has said in a press conference he is "not bothered" with his move to Ajax. "I can't believe they actually bought me. I'm not even going to bother turning up for training half the time" the 28-year old defender said.

The news is something that outraged Ajax boss Marco van Basten. "He is a fucker...I mean, no comment" van Basten told Football News. Oleguer's future seems unclear.