Mourinho gives 2nd Real Madrid press conference

New Real Madrid manager José Mourinho gave a second press conference in his private office in the Bernebeu Stadium in Madrid on Tuesday which sparked controversy.

"All you fucking faggots are going to pay!" the Portugese 47 year old exclaimed "If you print one fucking lie about me, I will have you shot. If you use one photograph that depicts me in a non-professional manner, your wives, children or parent will me shot! I am Jose fucking Mourinho you sons of bitches. I have the thickest cock in Madrid now you whore-masters!"

Real Madrid president Florentino Pérez said "Los Merengues pride ourselves on inflicting fear and intimidation, José know this. If Raul steps out of line, someone will leave a bullet and a photograph of hos kids in his locker. Thats how we roll!"

Joey Barton meets his real father

Joey Barton met his real father, who is in fact, 4 years older than him. Dick Barton was used by the FA in the film (below) in their "Kick homophobia out of football" campaign. Mr Barton insisted he wasnt acting. "No, bollocks lad! I thought it was a documentary. Just filming me everyday sort of thing. Now take your eyes off me cock, bumboy!"
Joey Barton was unavailable for comment but did attempt murder on a down syndrome child in Newcastle city centre upon hearing the news. Local police laughed it off "that's our Joey" they chortled.

See the video of Joey Barton's father below.

Champions League quarter final draw reactions

Managers and players had mixed reactions upon hearing todays Champions League quarter final draw.

Bayern Munich v Manchester United

Bayern winger Franck Ribery said "This is a load of my cockhole. Why do we get drawn United? Why cant we have a fucking handy one line Bordeaux. Fuck this!". United boss Alex Ferguson said "Amazing. Gonna grow a little Hitler 'tasche and all for this one!"

Lyon v Bordeaux

Bordeaux midfielder Yoann Gourcuff said "Great..another French team. For fuck sake, I was hoping for Arsenal. I hear London is a good town. Even John Terry can get laid. Fuck it, I might join City". Lyon officials didnt bother turning up for the draw as they said in a statement at lyonfootball.fr "We dont care about this cup."

Arsenal v Barcelona

Arsenal boss and grade A pervert Arsene Wenger admitted he wont be available to travel to Barcelona for Arsenal's away leg as he has a court order not to be within 5 miles of a school in Barcelona city for something he did "a long time ago". Barcelona gypsy Zlatan Ibrahimovic asked reporters for Wayne Bridge's ex partner's phone number and her London address.

CSKA Moscow v Inter Milan

Special one José Mourinho admitted he had a previous problem with Russian vodka in the past and may not travel to Moscow for Inter's away tie. "The last time i drank Russian vodka, I tried that dangerous wanking thing that Michael Hutchence died from".

Beckham victim of gang rape by Seedorf and Pirlo

England star David Beckham has reported to Milanese police that he has been subject to sexual abuse by Clarence Seedorf and Andrea Pirlo.

In a statement at davidbeckham.net he says "It is with great sadness that I announce I have had to report on Clarence and Andrea of their sexual abuse on me. During games they touch my bum (see pic) to let me know they will knock the hole off me once in the showers.

It started off as a joke but now I got Pirlo tea bagging me whilst Seedorf, who has a 12 inch black cock, pumping the ass of me. Everytime I fart, it burns. This cannot go on" Beckham said.

Clarence Seedorf proudly admits it "I have four vices in life" said the Dutchman "One of football, another is beating women, another is online pornography and lastly another is raping players. I've been doing it for years. Beckhams a cute cunt! I love to bang him while he screams in agony. Such a good laugh".

Andrea Pirlo said that he doesnt use anal penetration on Becks and that he just enjoys getting his testicles licked by force on Beckham while he masturbates and ejaculates "all over Goldenballs".

AC Milan coach Leonardo said the club will take no action on the players but Beckham will be dropped for 2 games for being too handsome and a tell-tale!

Iniesta is told he is "too pale" to be Spanish

Barcelona maestro Andres Iniesta was told today Real Federación Española de Fútbol that he is probably not Spanish.

President of the RFEF Ángel María Villar told reporters today in Madrid "Nah, I ain't convinced. He's like a fucking polar bear. How do i know he didnt legally change his name and pay to get false documents to cover it up? He's porbably from Norway."

Iniesta, who Wayne Rooney famously reckons is the worlds best player, said today at the Camp Nou "This is a load of my fucking bollocks! I was born in Fuentealbilla for crying out loud. Even if i wasnt Spanish born, which I am, I have been on Barcelona's books since 1996. I would have been eligable to be a Spanish citizen years ago. They're treating me like a fucking gypsy. And Ibrahimovic is a gypsy...I bet the Swedish FA dont tell him his nose is too big for the team."

Coach Pep Guardiola said "He is a player we'd all love to give a rim job to. What? Wait...what was the question?"

River Plate encourages fan violance

Argentine giants Club Atlético River Plate have announced on their website that they will not condemn their hooligan fans, but encourage them.

"We here at Club Atlético River Plate feel that hooliganism is an integral part of the game" the announcement on riverplatesayfuckyou.com said "Our hooligans are the finest in Argentina. We have fans who are prejudice against blacks, whites, gays, asians, Brazilians..you name it. We would like to reward these hooligans by starting up both the riverplatesaysfuckyou.com and river-riot.net websites. Here fans can register as hooligans for a $12 per year membership. It is limited to 20,000. There they will be given tickets to all home and away games to cause mayhem. To celebrate this we have arranged a friendly against Maccabi Tel Aviv FC in their ground so our hooligans can cause riots against jews and rival fans."

President of River Hooligans Diminic Domiguez said "I was so happy when i heard the club was starting this up. I was so excited, I beat up a down syndrome kid. Nearly left the fucker for dead. Or tried to anyway. You should see him, cause he wont see you. Not any more."

River Plate striker Ariel Ortega said "This is a brilliant idea. Lets fuck some cunts up!"

Zat Knight arrested for stealing babies.

Bolton Wanderers defender Zat Knight was arrested in Bolton city centre this morning just after 7.30am by armed detectives after a string of new born babies were stolen from hospitals in the surrounding area.

Police said at a press conference this afternoon "A 29 year old man was arrested in connection with the abduction of 6 newborn children in city centre hospitals"

When released oddball Knight said "So what? I stole some fucking babies! Whats the big deal? I was gonna give them back. I always give them back. I just needed them cause my sister was going on the Jeremy Kyle show with 7 or 8 kids to get some phoney childrens allowance."

Bolton manager Owen Coyle said at the Reebok stadium today "I fully respect Zat's antics. Whatever he does on his own time is his own business. Once it doesnt interrupt with what he does on the pitch. Saying that, I must put up fences at the terraces in case the loon tries to nick some kids."

Fred West given posthumous honour at Liverpool FC

Serial rapist and murderer Fred West was given a posthumous honour of "Honorary Director" at Liverpool Football Club this morning.

Manager Rafa Bentitez said at the ceremony attended by 72,000 people outside Anfield "Today is a great day. A great day for the club and for the late Fred West, despite the serial rapes and murders, he wa s agreat man. He was quite a handy goalkeeper. Therefore I am truly honoured that a man who I regard up with Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ and Robbie Williams is to get such an honour at a club I am involved with." to a standing ovation by onlookers.

Steven Gerrard spoke out "Hang on a fucking second. All you fucking morons are insane. This was a murderer" before being gassed by private agents and taken to a nearby hospital for a "personality test".

Rumours that the Church of Scientology are influencing the club.

Harold Shipman is to receive a similar award at Man United as Josef "who's the daddy" Fritzl will also receive a similar award at Bayern Munich.

John Terry has had "orgies"

Chelsea player (both uses of the word) John "JT" Terry has revealed he has had orgies and orgies with many players wives.

"Fuck it. Ive no STD's, I'm fit enough. I banged loads of people. Except that Alex Gerrard thing. She is a weapon of mass fucking destruction. But i did bang Victoria Beckham. I also banged Avram Grants missus. She's into golden shwoers. Fucked up isnt it? Can you imagine Avram Grant pleasing his wife by pissing all over her? The mind boggles" said JT.

Frank Lampard says "I just love to watch" before leaving the press conference in tears.

Paris St Germain to introduce same-sex marriages at the Parc de Princes

French club Paris St Germain will be introducing same sex marriages at ther home games during games.

"It's our way of showing we like the gay community" explained coach Antoine Kombouaré "despite the sick shit those cretins who mascarade themselves as humans get up to. I mean...what the fuck is this "tea bagging" i keep hearing about? It sounds sick."

French homosexual and PSG supprter Alain Fontein explained "Me and my boyfriend Asterix will be getting married at the upcoming match of PSG v Rennes. I cannot wait to let 40,000 people at the stadium see me get married and consumate the hell out of our marriage right there in the stand with some 69ing."

PSG player Ludovic Giuly said "Whoa whoa whoa! Gay men will be getting married at the stadium? Fuck this...get my agent on the phone. I'm taking up the LA Galaxy's offer to join them. Fuck this. At least in America there's organisations that go gay bashing. Its something me and Eto'o used to do at Barcelona. Knock shit out of queers in the streets. What? Man City have wank-offs? Fucking...get my fucking agent on the phone...what? I dont know where he is? Whats the Pink Flamingo? WHAT?" before storming out.

Sol Campbell is rumoured to be interested in a transfer to the Paris club.

Sepp Blatter explains why Ireland cannot be the World Cup's 33rd team

FIFA president Sepp Blatter told assembled journalists at a press conference in Geneva exactly why the Republic of Ireland cannot be the World Cup's "33rd team".

"That inbred looking cunt from the FAI came to me and said 'oi...Sepp...that French cunt handles the ball...put us in the world cup or I'll kick you in the gooch'. So I said "see you, you catholic pig licker, I wouldnt have 50,000 drunken Irish inbreds in South Africa if it was the last thing I ever done!" said Mr Blatter "The country's only coming through. I wont be responsible for lowering the tone of the country or explaining why there are 75,000 impregnanted locals giving birth to buffoons with ginger hair...nor will I be responsible for Giovanni Trapattoni dying his fucking hair green!"

The FAI said today "These claims by Mr Blatter or whatever his fucking name is is only part true. Yes, we asked to be the 33rd team. But we didnt say we'll kick him in the bollocks. We said we'll suck his bollocks. But we fully retract that offer now. The girl in reception was up for a bit of anal play if it gets us into the world cup. She's a trooper. A trooper with a pooper full of swiss cheese. Oh well, what could have been."

Robinho reveals "too much jizz" in the Man City dressing room prompted move to Brazil

Brazilian ace Robinho has revealed why he left Manchester City FC for a loan move to his native Brazil to play for his former club Santos.

"There was too much jizz in the dressing room for my liking. That cock Carlos Tevez was a chronic wanker. Nice guy and all, but fuck me pink, he'd wank for Argentina! The whole floor was covered in cum. And that other fucker Adebayor, holy shit, everytime i look at him he's jerking off. Every fucking time! The floors, the seats, the lockers...covered in jizz. Do you know who else was a cunt for it when he was here...Mark Hughes. I caught him pulling the dick off himself in Roque Santa Cruz's shorts. Dirty cunts. Then i got a call from a coach saying Vieira is joining city. Fuck that! Booked a plane to Brazil within 10 minutes. Fuck all of you!" said the star.

Manager Roberto Mancini backed up the claims. Talking to press he said "Yeah. Fuck it. We all like a wank once in a while. I used to have wank-off's with Luis Figo when I was at Inter. I won once. But I hold the record for cumming in 12.4 seconds. Blew my load in Luis' face. We laugh about it. Oh, how i miss Luis."

Luis Figo was unavailable for comment

Mexico coach will "do a Fritzl"

Mexico team coach Javier Aguirre has vowed to "do a Fritzl" to players if they do not perform to their standards.

"Those dirty fucking cunts" said the former Athletico Madrid manager "I have had a cellar made underneath the Aztec Stadium. Forty bedrooms in it. Measuring a 4 foot by 6 foot and the ceiling is 5 foot high. I will lock every one of those dick lickers and have my way with them on a daily basis. I will, basically, do a Frtizl. If we lose one more motherfucking game, that's it!"

After the press conference the 51 year old pulled out his penis to the gathered media and screamed "They'll get this!" before leaving the room laughing.

Striker Carlos Vela welcomes the idea. "Its similar to what Arsene Wenger does to the youths at Arsenal. I'm in!"

Edwin Van Der Sar arrested for flashing in Manchester

Manchester United goalkeeper and grade A pervert Edwin Van Der Sar was arrested last Monday outside Bedford High School in Leigh, Greater Manchester for flashing his bits at students.

A spokesperson for Gtr Manchester Police said "We arrested a 38 year old well known Dutchman for indecent exposure last Monday at 8.30am as students were entering the school. The accused was not intoxicated at the time and had no drugs or mind altering substances in his blood stream after a series of tests."

A spokesperson for Manchester United issued a press release this morning
"We are ecstatic for Edwin's arrest. We here at the football club appreciate sex offenders and perverts on our books and we will be encouraging our goalkeeper to continue flashing as we will bail him out. This club was founded on perverts and we will continue our policy of employing dirtbirds, scumbags, homosexuals and perverts. Like Cristiano Ronaldo."

Edwin Van Der Sar's solicitor said in Amsterdam this morning "Edwin does his thing, that's cool. You wanna buy some 12 year old pussy? Wait! Who are you? What? Off the record...off the record...shit! No comment!"

Racsim "not a problem" says Zenith St Petersburg coach

FC Zenith St Petersburg coach Anatoli Davydov has told reporters that racsim is not a problem at the club and their notoriously racist fans.

"Its not problem at all. We just don't buy any blacks or jews" said the Russian. "In fact we don't buy gypsies, gays, indians, asians, south africans or anything. We dont even let them into the stadiums. So there is no problems." said Zenith's coach.

The club backs Anatoli Davydov's comments.

Champions League preview

We look at the upcoming Champions League matches.

Atlético
v
APOEL

Diego Forlan has told fans he will open fire in the stands if he doesnt score 5 goals in this match. Spanish police are on stand by.

Beşiktaş
v
Man. United

Wayne Rooney has said he is looking forward to his trip to Turkey. Mature ladies of the night are seemingly only the equivalent of £3 per hour for services.

Chelsea
v
Porto

John Terry told team mates "no jizzing off in each others boots as a prank" before the game and to focus. Juliano Belletti has reportedly a twisted sense of humour.

Juventus
v
Bordeaux

Juve fans have been told to stay away from the match tonight as Turin police have found 1,000 tons of PCP and cocaine in the city last week and want to give some "innocent pricks a good hiding - preferably kids and football fans".

Maccabi Haifa
v
Bayern

Bayern Munich ultras have told their German supporters that the Kiryat Eliezer Stadium should be decorated in swastikas and nazi paraphenalia prior to kick off to "remind them jewish fuckholes that Inglourious Basterds is a work of fiction". Haifa fans are looking for some "blonde German dicks to scalp". Police are on standby.

Marseille
v
Milan

Milan star Ronaldinho told manager Leonardo he "may not bother" to turn up to this game as he has to "attend a 48 hour drinking festival" in the outskirts of Milan and that there is a strong possibility he'll "have a threesome with two sluts" that he claims to "sort of" know.

Wolfsburg
v
CSKA Moskva

It was reported today that nobody "gives a flying fuck" about either club and we here at FootballNews365 don't also. If anybody has tickets for this rip them up or if it is on TV, throw the television into the bath. Just make sure your wife isnt in the bath. Unless she is a moany cunt.

Zürich
v
Real Madrid

Real Madrid directors have told Kaka and Ronaldo to stop "sucking the face off each other" at half time. This upset Guti greatly when he learned this as he claims it is his "motivation".

Dynamo Kyiv
v
Rubin

Ukraine police have told fans attending this match that if anybody utters a word they will "inject radiation from the Chernobyl disaster into their spine". This is welcomed by both clubs.

Internazionale
v
Barcelona

Gypsy Zlatan Ibrahimovic has told Lionel Messi (or David Biggs as he is now known) that if Inter's Samuel Eto'o scores, he will not wear Barcelona's number 9 shirt anymore and wants Messi's number 10 shirt. Messi threatened to "cut the japseye off him" if he attempts it.

Liverpool
v
Debrecen

This fixture will feature Anfield's new "Wanking Section" in the Kop for fans who are sexually attracted to half girl-half boy Fernando Torres. A reported 234,000 fans applied for tickets this week for this section.

Lyon
v
Fiorentina

Lyon captain Sidney Govou told Fiorentina fans that he thinks "Italy is a shit hole. The city of Florence is full of AIDS riddled sluts and the Italian language sounds like Josef Fritzl having a wank over his daughters chest.". It is reportedly he was drinking Stella at the time.

Olympiacos
v
AZ

Olympiacos have announced that after hearing about Liverpool's "Wanking Section", they have made the Karaiskakis Stadium a "Wanking Stadium". This made new signing Matt Derbyshire sign a 20 year contract extension for the club. "The Greeks invented homosexuality...not the scousers" said club officials.

Sevilla
v
Unirea Urziceni

Sevilla's stadium Estadio Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán, which normally holds 42,649 people have had the seats taken out and a 200,000 free tickets were given out for this game. "I pray for another Heysel disaster. That will teach fans to chant monkey noises at me." said a jubilant Didier Zokora.

Standard
v
Arsenal

Arsene Wenger will be getting the "Freeman of the City of Liège" award when he arrives in Belgium this week for his "contribution to paedophilia and chocolate". The Frenchman said "It's an honour. I use the chocolate to get all the Arsenal youths into my dungeon".

Stuttgart
v
Rangers

Stuttgart fans have told Rangers fans on message board last week that they should all meet up for "a few scoops" before kick off. Rumours are abound that the German club's catholic fans have bought 20,000 hand grenades "to take out them Papal rejecting protestant bastards". German police aren't bothering to be on standby as Oktoberfest is being prepared.

Lionel Messi changes his name to David Biggs

Lionel Messi has changed his name by deed poll today. As of today his official name is David John Biggs.

The Argentinan explained "I have many heroes. And I wanted to change my name to honour them. David after David Schwimmer of Friends fame. I love his work. I love the character Ross in Friends. Thats what we call Zlatan. We call him sometimes Ross. Becuase he marries so many people. But gypsies do that kind of thing. My new middle name John after John Travolta. I like the way he is in scientology and yet hasnt flipped out on TV like Tom Cruise. An honourable man. And finally Biggs after great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. I like the way he ... er... I'm not sure what he done. He robbed trains or something."

Rumours are strong that he originally wanted to call himself Adolf Fritzl Fred West Free The Paedos Manson.

Aliaksandr Hleb calls Wenger a "paedophile"

Former Gooner Aliaksandr Hleb has labelled former boss Arsene Wenger a paedophile during a recent outburst at a press conference at Stuttgart's training camp.

"He's a fucking kiddie fiddler. Paedophile. He demanded the keys to Theo Walcott's flat when he joined Arsenal. Said it was Arsenal F.C. protocol. Sneaks in to Theo's flat, ties him up and butt fucks him. Blows his load in Theo's poophole. But he does it to the Arsenal youths too."

Aliaksandr Hleb did not stop there.

"He once said to me after an FA Cup game to 'go have another shower'. I asked him why? He said because I probably have radiation from the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in 1986. But that took place in Ukraine. I am from Belarussia. Mr Wenger said all us eastern european sluts were all the same"

Arsenal FC have declined to comment.

Sol Campbell is "not bumming" Sven-Göran Eriksson

Notts County new boy Sulzeer Jeremiah "Sol" Campbell has told BBC reporters that he is not having sex with Sven-Göran Eriksson, County's current director of football.

"I didnt join County cause i am bumming Sven! Fuck no! I am sucking him off." Campbell said "I like a white willy. He likes black sausage."

County have yet to comment.

Girl, 11, murdered by football

An 11 year old girl was brutally murdered by another 11 year old girl as the Long Beach Indians under 12's took on the Ocean Drive Bananas under 12's last sunday afternoon in Los Angeles.
In this chilling clip the girl in green can be seen deliberately kicking the ball at the girl in white hitting her in the face, killing her instantly.
Two LAPD cops attending the game put two bullets in the head of the offending girl out of disgust. Onlookers then took out guns and a shootout occured. 23 people were killed.

Leeds United encourage fans to take drugs, rape and murder.

Leeds United players turned up to a local primary school in Leeds yesterday morning and told pupils aged 7-12 to take drugs, murder people and rape women.

Pupils at Bridgened Comprehensive were told by star players to commit "unspeakable acts". Team captain Richard Naylor said "all you kids need is a few grams of coke. Snort that right up and beat the living shit out of geezers".

Star striker Jermaine Beckford said "when you see a nice girl in a bar when you get older. Put a roffie in her drink. Bring her to a cheap hotel or an alleyway and have your way with her. Leave her a not then saying 'I hope you were on the pill' and laugh about it".

Manager Simon Grayson said "kill everyone! Next time a classmate gets on your nerves, lodge a pencil in their temple. That'll shut them up".

Leeds United gave an official statement saying "we have to respect the opinions of our players and staff"

Ronaldo wanks Kaka

Real Madrid hero Cristiano Ronaldo told spanish reporters that he "wanked off" Kaka in order to get closer to God.

"He tells me he belongs to Jesus. I always wanted to get closer to God. He said he can help me. I asked him what do I have to do" said the Portugese star. "He then took out his penis and said to wank him silly and he would have a word with God. He blew his muck all over my new Gucci jeans and I feel no closer to God".

Kaka has declined to comment.

Man City reveal new signings motive

Manchester City have revealed the reason they have bought Carlos Tevez, Gareth Barry and Roque Santa Cruz.

"Basically I fancy Tevez" admitted a smitten Stephen Ireland. "I used to watch him when we played against United and I'd fantasize in the middle of the game...literally in the middle of the park while the game is going on...and I'd imagine me rimming Tevez." said the Irishman.

Mark Hughes explained "Stephen came to me and said 'boss...you gotta buy Tevez. I'll do anything. And i mean it...fucking anything' and I found that hard to resist". Rumours in the Eastlands camp is that Mark Hughes uses Stephen Ireland for tea-bagging.

Man City owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan bought Gareth Barry and Roque Santa Cruz because he had "some money lying around taking up space" according to Hughes.

The city saga continues.

Franck Ribery, Miroslav Klose and Luca Toni admit they are full blown alcoholics.

Bayern Munich stars Franck Ribery, Miroslav Klose and Luca Toni have admitted to German newspaper Deutsche Aussenpolitik that they are full blown alcoholics.

"I guess it stems back to my childhood" said teary heart-throb Ribery "growing up in Boulogne-sur-Mer, I was surrounded with alcohol. My father was an alcoholic. Now, here I am, 26 years old, contemplating suicide when the pubs close. I cant play for Bayern Munich without drinking three quarters a bottle of Absolut."

Miroslav Klose had other ideas "I had not family issue. I just loved the high of being pissed. I used to love waking up in cells in Munich covered in my own piss. It was a laugh for me. But I knew I crossed the line when I tried to suck off Franz Beckenbauer after a drunken bet. His wife was none too pleased after I broke into their house, creeped into their bedroom and tried to disrope Franz. That'll fucking sober you up, I assure you."

Italian Luca Toni tell a different story "I didnt even know I was an alcoholic. Those fuckers Robery and Klose told me the booze was non-alcoholic. I thought I was fine until I woke up on a flight to Belize with seven black hookers covered in piss, semen and wearing a sock and a thong."

Bayern Munich confirmed the three players will seek therapy with immediate effect.

Mourinho's post game interview doesnt go down well

Inter Milan coach Jose Mourinho made a big cock up at a recent post game press conference at the San Siro.

Journalists asked usual questions analyzing the game and Mourinho answered accordingly. However when FourFourTwo.com asked "Is there any clash of egos in the dressing room?" Mourinho responded by taking out his erect penis and saying "This is the biggest cock in Milan. Who wants to suck on it?"

Inter officials had to restrain the Portugese ex-Chelsea coach and he is currently seekign therapy in an undisclosed location in Bergamo, Italy.

Alan Shearer takes a leaf out of São Paulo's book

Newcastle manager Alan Shearer has taken a leaf out of Brazilian club São Paulo's book by threatening his players with rape unless the results dont come in.

Shearer told Sky Sports News "Ah, it's unacceptable, pet. I will buttfuck the life out of my players unless they pull their weight. Mike Ashley gave me his blessing. Our club was founded the same year as Liverpool. We've never won a champions league trophy. Why not? There was no fear in our players. I'll soon fucking change that!"

Midfielder Joey Barton was rumoured to be his first victim as he allegedly didnt pull his weight in a recent training session.

"The wanker!" exclaimed Barton in a press conference, "the gaffer came from behind me, held a hankerchief over my mouth, pulled down my shorts and thrusted straight into my poophole. He even said "oooh, what a lovely tea party" when he came. This is surely illegal. But the other players say its not."

Captain Michael Owen gives it his blessing "Well, being fucked by Shearer might get us the results. I used to play for Real Madrid. I'm not playing in the fucking championship. What's that? Hull want to sign me? Get my fucking agent on the phone"

Sao Paolo used similar tactics, but the results did not come in. Eight of the starting eleven are now paralysed from serial rapes.

Maradona and Riquelme spat revealed

Argentina had been forced to go back to the drawing board following Juan Roman Riquelme's decision to quit the side earlier this week, coach Diego Maradona said on Friday. Maradona said that all his tactical plans had to be scrapped after the enigmatic playmaker, upset at comments the coach made about his playing style, said on Tuesday the two could not work together.

Rumours around La Bonbonera about an alleged spat between Argentine coach and national treasure Diego Maradona and Boca Juniors hero Juan Roman Riqueleme have been revealed by both men on the AFA's website today.

"We are sad to announce Riquelme shall be no longer in the National Team. This is because Riquelme has decided that Maradona's playing style is not good enough for the national side"

But legend Diego had other ideas

"That piece of shit Riquelme tried to fuck both of my daughters while wearing an Athletico shirt. With Aguero's name on the back...who is fucking my daughter. And he tried to fuck my wife, my mother, my cousin. He whacked off in front of me and shot his mud all over my pasta. This was all in one day at training when my family arrived to visit me in my new job"

Boca hero Riqueleme denies the claims

"When I drink Jack Daniels, I black out. It makes me black out completely. I dont remember any of this, therefore it didnt happen"

When asked why did he need to drink at training Boca's number 10 replied

"Listen, if you had to face that ugly cunt Carlos Tevez drunk or sober what would you choose?"

The journalist who asked the question admitted he could be talked into having a second whiskey chaser.

Champions League draw

The quarter final draw is as follows:

Villarreal v Arsenal

Manchester United v Porto

Liverpool v Chelsea

Barcelona v Bayern Munich

Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger told arsenal.com today "I am delighted with the draw. But even more delighted when I corner Pires and grab his cock to remind him of the good times"

Alex Ferguson was less than pleased on alexferguson.co.uk "I can't fucking believe we got Porto. We're Man United. We shouldnt even have to play these shitty asswipe fucking games. The world player of the year plays for us."

Guus Hiddink told Sky Sports "I am pleased to have got Liverpool. Mainly becuase Lamps has a small crush on Stevie G. and I feel this will improve his game"

Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola told Marca "I'm not going to that shithole, Munich. They can play both legs here. Platini shouldnt have a problem with that considering I once sucked him off in 1990"

West Ham & Blades end Tevez saga

West Ham and Sheffield United have reached an out-of-court settlement over the long-running Carlos Tevez saga. Striker Tevez, who is a legend in his hometown of Buenos Aires, helped West Ham seal Premier League survival in 2006/2007, while the Blades were relegated.

The out of court settlement was that Sheffield United manager Kevin Blackwell is to be fellated by Wes Ham manager Gianfranco Zola at the Sheffield Hilton Hotel sometime within the next fortnight.

A statement on the Hammers' website http://www.whufc.com read today "We are dleighted with the outcome. All with the exception of Mr. Zola. Our Goalkeeping coach Luděk Mikloško has been paid £150 to watch and verify the felatio. Mr. Blackwell sent the club a fax saying he is "truly delighted" about the outcome. Carlos Tevez rang the club to express his gratitude."

Andrei Arshavin denies rumours he is a KGB agent.

Arsenal maestro Andrei Arshavin told arsenal.com today he is not a KGB agent. The rumours come that he was seen meeting with some top Russian KBG agents in a London hotel and was seen doing a James Bond-style execution to a well known Russian assassin in Woodside Park, north of London.

"This is a load of fucking cockshit!" snarled Arshavin "I have nothing to do with the KGB. I didnt kill a servant of the Georgian ambassador in order to access delicate files for the country of beautiful Russia last week. I know nothing about the abduction of an MI6 agent in Surrey last night in order to obtain information. I didnt shoot Alexei Nipkenevo (well known russian assassin) in Woodside Park the other week with Russian ShKAS machine gun with a silencer from 200 feet away. I dont go to training with an ear-piece on and armed with a 10 inch hunting knife and a Kalashnikov in my locker. What a load of fucking bollocks. If anyone says otherwise, we'll have you poisoned while you eat with your families. I mean...errr...this meeting is ajourned."

Arsenal F.C. have yet to comment.

Rivaldo sent Alex Feguson his sperm in the post when asked to join Man Utd in '99

Brazilian ace Rivaldo revealed to espn.com that he once sent Alex Ferguson his sperm in the post.

The 36 year old striker, who now plies his trade in Uzbek league side Bunyodkor said this week "Manchester tried to sign me after their 1999 triumph. I was happy at Barcelona at this stage. So i did the inevitable. I jagged off into a bag and sent it to Sir Alex in the post. I told him he can clone his own Rivaldo with my love juice. He can even inseminate his wife if needs be."

Sir Alex Ferguson denies these claims

Cristiano Ronaldo admits to being sucked off by a man during crash

Manchester United maestro Cristiano Ronaldo admitted on Radio Five Live today that he was being sucked off by a homeless man which caused the car srash to his Ferrari on the A538 near Manchester Airport.


The Portugese star said he paid homeless man, Graham Johnson, £20 for a quick fellatio whilst he was driving. "I was in Manchester city centre. I seen a homeless man. I have him a pound. He was grateful and said he'd seen me in old newspapers playing for United." Ronaldo said before adding "I was due to go to training, so I told him I would let him watch United train from the sidelines if he liked. On the journey, I flashed a £20 note. I took out my glorious penis and told him the £20 would be his if he got his mouth around it and sucked me off like his life depended on it. I was ejaculating when the crash occured. The homeless man ran off after the crash. Without the £20 of course, as swallowing was part of the deal whcih he did not do."

Graham Johnson told the Manchester Evening News "I will suck anyone. Man, woman or child. I will suck. But thats the last time I suck off a United player. I'll just stick with City. Even Robinho paid up."

Carlo Ancelotti admits to colourful past

AC Milan manager Carlo Ancelotti told Sky Italia today that he used to be gun-runner, pimp and drug dealer during his time as a Roma player from 1979-1987.

"Rome was such a great city. I loved it there and I have eternal respect for the Roman people. But during my time with the club there, I was the lowest paid player earning a pay-as-you-play deal of the equivalent of €20 per game. I could not feed nor clothe my family. So I found other ways. I pimped out my wife to some of the other players. For the equivalent of approximately €400 a go. Thirty minute sessions. Zbigniew Boniek was a regular. Sebastiano Nela once paid me around €80,000 for a weekend of a big fuck-fest with my wife. Another way of making cash was the drug trade. Which was booming in the 1980's. Sources tell me that if you snorted cocaine in Rome or the Lazio area there was 80% chance it came from me. I also made billions of Lira in selling guns. Uzi's, 45's, 357 magnums, sawn-off's. I had bent cops everywhere who'd turn a blind eye in return for free season tickets."

Police are investigating the matter.

Giovanni Trapattoni explains the reason for not selecting Andy Reid

Football legend and current Republic of Ireland manager Giovanni Trapattoni has told a press conference in Dublin today of the reason why he didn't select Andy Reid.

"No, he is a great player. Could easily fit in my team. But I told him, if he wants to play for Ireland, he is to give me a massage with a happy ending. I told Shay Given the same thing and he happily gave me what he calls the "Shanghai surprise". He uses lotion and everything. Sadly, Andy did not agree and now is not in the squad."

Friends' "Chandler" becomes a Hull City player

Actor Matthew Perry, best known for playing "Chandler" is US TV sitcom Friends, has signed a two year professional contract with Premiership side Hull City.

Hull boss Phil Brown explained he seen Perry, a 39 year old heavy smoker who never played football in his life, kick a ball with his nephew on a beach in Los Angeles in 2007 and was immediately stunned by his style. "I seen him kick the ball twice. I knew I had to someday bring him to a professional club. So, when his filming schedule had a gap I offered him a £80,000 a week two year deal. He will also become captain and be given the number 10 shirt. said Brown.

Perry said "I can't fuckin' believe it man. This stupid cocksucker from England wants me to play soccer? I never played it. But fuck it, eighty grand a fuckin' week? Do you know how much JD and coke I'll get with that."

Juliano Belletti's dressing room habits "out of control"

Chelsea boss Luiz Felipe Scolari told a press conference today that their Brazilian right back Juliano Belletti's dressing room habits are becoming a concern and may be forced to sell the former Barcelona star.

"Belletti has become out of control. About a month ago for example, we were preparing for training and in the dressing room, he brings in two blonde models from Brazil and tells them to check out the other players packages. Then before the United game, in the dressing room, he kept calling be a "baldy twat". But the worst was last Tuesday before morning training, he was wanking and ejaculated into Joe Cole's boot. He locked himself in the toilet and did it. Reappeared minutes later and Joe Cole's boot was covered in jizz." said Scolari before adding "It's a cause for concern. My players have voiced their upset. I may sell him or put him on loan."

Didier Drogba told Sky Sports News "He was racist to me one day. One moment, everything is normal, next thing I know after everyone left the changing room, he takes out a 12 inch dildo and starts making monkey chants at me".

Belletti's behaviour was confirmed by camera's at yesterdays training session when he left the training ground in his £60,000 BMW wearing nothing but a bra.

Zinedine Zidane to seek revenge on Materazzi

France, Real Madrid and Juventus legend Zinedine Zidane has vowed revenge on Marco Materazzi for the infamous incident that took place in the World Cup Final in 2006 in Germany.

During the extra-time period, Materazzi was headbutted in the chest by Zinedine Zidane, who was then sent off. Zidane had accused him for insulting his sister and mother, but during a press conference following the event, Materazzi lied that after he had grabbed Zidane's jersey, Zidane offered it to him sarcastically. Materazzi then replied, "I prefer the whore that is your sister," which resulted in the headbutt.

Zidane said this week that he "eliminate his entire family by flying a Boeing 747 into his family home in Milan with the help of my muslim friends from Algeria".

Police are investigating the matter.

Benitez is father of Reina and Torres

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez today proved positive in a DNA test that he is in fact the father of goalkeeper Pepe Reina and striker Fernando Torres.

"This is bad news for the families involved, but I am glad to see that I made two of the best Spanish players of the last few years. And what a co-incidence I signed them to Liverpool." Benitez said "It's clear Pepe inherited my poor hairline and Fernando inherited my 11 inch penis. I've seen him in the showers. I used to always think 'it looks remarkably like mine', now it turns out I was right. Although I must admit I had a sneaky feeling about Pepe but Fernando is a surprise".

"I am glad my father is Rafa" was the only statement Pepe Reina made today on liverpoolfc.tv while Torres said "When I joined Liverpool, my family said to me that I should think again before joining Liverpool becuase they did not like Benitez. I know know why. Seemingly he was knocking the ass off my mother for years."

Rumours are circulating that Benitez may be Steven Gerrard's father also as he was known to be around the Liverpool area in 1979 and 1980 for dirty drunk weekends.

Thierry Henry admits to "jerking off" Cesc Fabregas

Arsenal legend Thierry Henry has admitted to reporters at a press conference in the Camp Nou today, that he once masturbated Cesc Fabregas.

"It's no big deal, you know" said the 31 year old France international "we were in the showers. Cesc was there and was washing his down-below region. I offered to help him clean it. One thing led to another. Next thing I know, he's blowing a load in my hand. It was beautiful really. I like jerking off Cesc. I think he liked it too."

Euro 2008 winner Fabregas has other ideas regarding the situation. "French cunt told me it was introduction to Arsenal FC. Like a tradition. He told me David Seaman wanked him off when he joined the Gooners in 1999. I thought i would allow this disgusting act to happen for the team, seeing as it tradition. French rapist prick!"

Didier Drogba vows to have sex with team-mates.

Gay icon and Chelsea striker has warned his team mates that if the team don't perform, he will have sex with them in the changing room showers.

"Ashley Cole has a nice little arse. If he doesn't get it into gear, I'm going to butt fuck him until he does." the striker said.

Ashley Cole was unavailable for comment.

Rory Delap wants throw-in bonus

Stoke midfielder and throw-in specialist Rory Delap has told his club he demands a £20,000 bonus per throw in, per match.

"I can throw the ball up to four miles. I could throw the ball in our ground and score in Wembley. Twenty grand is the minimim I want."

Stoke City were unavailable for comment.

Paul McCartney creates football club.

Former Beatle legend Sir Paul McCartney has invested £500 million in creating a new football club based in Warrington.

Warrington Rovers F.C. went into business this morning. McCartney has allegedly spent another £150 million on bribes to ensure they will begin their first season in the Premier League in the 2009/2010 season.

A further £290 million has been spent on a 60,000 seater stadium, construction of which starts immediately.

It was announced on their website, http://www.warringtonroversfc.co.uk/ that Frank Rijkaard has been confirmed as their new manager.

McCartney said today "The idea only came to me last week. I decided to create my own club. Warrington isn't too far from Liverpool, where i'm from, so I thought that would be an ideal location."

"I am delighted Frank has agreed a twelve year contract as coach. He has seen me about potential players he would like me to purchase for the squad" the 65 year old said.

Potential rumoured players include Real Madrid's Arjen Robben, Chelsea's Joe Cole and Juliano Belletti, Barcelona's Bojan Krkic and Victor Valdes, Celtic's Aiden McGeady, Liverpool's Xabi Alonso and Robbie Keane and AC Milan's Andrea Pirlo, Alexandre Pato and Giuanluca Zambrotta.

Stephen Ireland CAN grow hair

Irish born Man City star Stephen Ireland issued a statement today via City's website that he can grow hair.

The statement read:

"I would just like to thank Man City for this opportunity to clear a few things up. I have never had any hair trouble. I never had a receding hairline. I can grow a full head of hair and never wore a wig.

Having a completely bald shaved head is quite fashionable with Irish people living in England these days.

I would also like to point out that my international situation is not becuase of the time Stephen Hunt, Kevin Doyle, Richard Dunne and Giovanni Trapattoni all held me down and tried to pull my wig off."

Jay Jay Okocha. So good they named him six times.

Former Nigeria and Bolton star Jay Jay Okocha was subjest to the famous line "so good they named him twice" on Sky Sports' Soccer AM.

This week the 35-year old retired star was honoured by the Nigerian government who on his behalf have not only taken the Soccer AM tagline seriously, they tripled it. His new name will be legally Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Okocha .

Okocha is less than pleased "this is fucking cockspunk" said the former Hull City and PSG striker "i used to get bullied because of the double name thing. Now six names? Holy fucking smoke! I wish I was Brazilian. One name. Ronaldo...Robinho...Kaka...Geovanni...Ronaldinho...Alex. Know what I'm saying? I used to get bullied so much. Once, a certian player used to masturbate me against my own will before matches when I played for Fenerbahçe and then demand money. But then again, this was outside the dressing room."

Kaka' bought by Robinho

Manchester City ace Robinho has bought fellow countryman Kaka' from AC Milan for €52 million. He has loaned Kaka' back to Milan for one year as they will be paying his €110,000 weekly wages.

City boss Mark Hughes told Daily Sport yesterday "This is unbelievable. What a phenomenal gesture from Robinho."

Robinho snapped back this morning however saying "Who said I am going to give Kaka to Manchester City for? I'm looking for a cleaner in my apartment."

Robinho's Man City demands surface

Manchester City ace Robinho has told Football News 365 of his list of demands for each home game at the City of Manchester Stadium. These are:

*A seperate dressing room decorated with flowers and framed pictures of Brazilian footballers throughout the years.

*A black limo to travel to the stadium with full armed police escort.

*A 160GB iPod filled with different music every week to be supplied.

*"Exotic dancers" for half time.

*A helicopter to transport him from away stadiums to his Manchester penthouse.

*A swimming pool with

*A photo of Alfonso Alves

Lionel Messi exclusive interview with Football News 365

Here is an excerpt from an exclusive interview we got with Barcelona ace Lionel Messi.

FN365
What do you feel was the defining moment in your career?

MESSI
Probably when i seen Ronaldinho get my shirt in the dressing room in the Camp Nou. He hung it on the wall for all the other players to see and said "this boy is special". And the whole dressing applauded. Everyone except Oleguer.

FN365
Oleguer? Why did he not applaud?

MESSI
I slept with his mother. He walked in on us once.

The full interview will be out next week.

Joe Kinnear "not a racist"

Newcastle United interim Manager Joe Kinnear has blasted claims that he is a racist.

According to reports, the 61 year old Dublin born manager, was alleged to make all black players on the senior team wear an armbands with the letters WP on it, alleged to stand for "white power".

"Thats a load of fucking bollocks" said Kinnear, "it stood for wing-player. I was merely trying out some cunts to play on the wing, some of them just happened to be black fellas. I'm not a racist, and even if i was, i wouldn't be. Cause I am not. Now cunt off!"

"Carragher responsible for Liverpool burglaries" says Ferguson

Following Liverpool's 2-1 win over rivals Manchester United at Anfield on Saturday, Sir Laex Ferguson made some outrageous claims against members of the Liverpool team and boss Rafa Marquez.

"Carragher is a no good piece of shit. Wouldn't surprise me if the scouse cunt was responsible for burglaring his team mates houses and apartments" siad the United boss, adding "And as for that motherfucker Steven Gerrard. He is as useful as tits on a bull. Rafa (Benitez) is a complete wanker too. With his goatee. Who does he think he is? Mick from Brookside. Pack of wankers."

Liverpool stand-in captain Jamie Carragher said on Liverpool's website "Next away United game, I'll have a few scallys by his house so. And we'll burgle him and steal his wife. Then we'll see who's a scouse cunt."

The FA are looking into these comments.

Shamrock Rovers buy international stars.

Dublin based club Shamrock Rovers F.C. have shocked the world of football by purchasing some well known names in the game.

The club allegedly took out over €250 million in loans from over a hundred banks worldwide to fund it to "finally get our club into next years Champions League group phase" according to chairman Jonathon Roche.

The club, which has had no official home ground since 1987 (although does use 10,000 capacity Tolka Park), have purchased 12 players and all deals are final and will not go through until January 2008.

The full list is :

* Rigobert Song from Trabzonspor for €740,000

* Rafael Sóbis from Real Betis for €8 million

* Jerzy Dudek from Real Madrid for €5.5 million

* Alex from Chelsea for €10.5 million

* Marek Jankulovski from AC Milan for €9 million

* Aiden McGeady from Celtic for €17 million

* Rodrigo Palacio from Boca Juniors for €11 million

* Álvaro Arbeloa from Liverpool for €8.75 million

* Craig Bellamy from West Ham for €9.5 million

* Yaya Touré from Barcelona for €13 million

* Stefano Okaka Chuka from Roma on loan until July 2009

* Park Ji-Sung from Manchester United on loan until July 2009

If there are financial problems, FIFA said today on their website that all deals will be cancelled and Shamrock Rovers Football Club may be forced to cease trading.