Maradona and Riquelme spat revealed

Argentina had been forced to go back to the drawing board following Juan Roman Riquelme's decision to quit the side earlier this week, coach Diego Maradona said on Friday. Maradona said that all his tactical plans had to be scrapped after the enigmatic playmaker, upset at comments the coach made about his playing style, said on Tuesday the two could not work together.

Rumours around La Bonbonera about an alleged spat between Argentine coach and national treasure Diego Maradona and Boca Juniors hero Juan Roman Riqueleme have been revealed by both men on the AFA's website today.

"We are sad to announce Riquelme shall be no longer in the National Team. This is because Riquelme has decided that Maradona's playing style is not good enough for the national side"

But legend Diego had other ideas

"That piece of shit Riquelme tried to fuck both of my daughters while wearing an Athletico shirt. With Aguero's name on the back...who is fucking my daughter. And he tried to fuck my wife, my mother, my cousin. He whacked off in front of me and shot his mud all over my pasta. This was all in one day at training when my family arrived to visit me in my new job"

Boca hero Riqueleme denies the claims

"When I drink Jack Daniels, I black out. It makes me black out completely. I dont remember any of this, therefore it didnt happen"

When asked why did he need to drink at training Boca's number 10 replied

"Listen, if you had to face that ugly cunt Carlos Tevez drunk or sober what would you choose?"

The journalist who asked the question admitted he could be talked into having a second whiskey chaser.

Champions League draw

The quarter final draw is as follows:

Villarreal v Arsenal

Manchester United v Porto

Liverpool v Chelsea

Barcelona v Bayern Munich

Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger told arsenal.com today "I am delighted with the draw. But even more delighted when I corner Pires and grab his cock to remind him of the good times"

Alex Ferguson was less than pleased on alexferguson.co.uk "I can't fucking believe we got Porto. We're Man United. We shouldnt even have to play these shitty asswipe fucking games. The world player of the year plays for us."

Guus Hiddink told Sky Sports "I am pleased to have got Liverpool. Mainly becuase Lamps has a small crush on Stevie G. and I feel this will improve his game"

Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola told Marca "I'm not going to that shithole, Munich. They can play both legs here. Platini shouldnt have a problem with that considering I once sucked him off in 1990"

West Ham & Blades end Tevez saga

West Ham and Sheffield United have reached an out-of-court settlement over the long-running Carlos Tevez saga. Striker Tevez, who is a legend in his hometown of Buenos Aires, helped West Ham seal Premier League survival in 2006/2007, while the Blades were relegated.

The out of court settlement was that Sheffield United manager Kevin Blackwell is to be fellated by Wes Ham manager Gianfranco Zola at the Sheffield Hilton Hotel sometime within the next fortnight.

A statement on the Hammers' website http://www.whufc.com read today "We are dleighted with the outcome. All with the exception of Mr. Zola. Our Goalkeeping coach Luděk Mikloško has been paid £150 to watch and verify the felatio. Mr. Blackwell sent the club a fax saying he is "truly delighted" about the outcome. Carlos Tevez rang the club to express his gratitude."

Andrei Arshavin denies rumours he is a KGB agent.

Arsenal maestro Andrei Arshavin told arsenal.com today he is not a KGB agent. The rumours come that he was seen meeting with some top Russian KBG agents in a London hotel and was seen doing a James Bond-style execution to a well known Russian assassin in Woodside Park, north of London.

"This is a load of fucking cockshit!" snarled Arshavin "I have nothing to do with the KGB. I didnt kill a servant of the Georgian ambassador in order to access delicate files for the country of beautiful Russia last week. I know nothing about the abduction of an MI6 agent in Surrey last night in order to obtain information. I didnt shoot Alexei Nipkenevo (well known russian assassin) in Woodside Park the other week with Russian ShKAS machine gun with a silencer from 200 feet away. I dont go to training with an ear-piece on and armed with a 10 inch hunting knife and a Kalashnikov in my locker. What a load of fucking bollocks. If anyone says otherwise, we'll have you poisoned while you eat with your families. I mean...errr...this meeting is ajourned."

Arsenal F.C. have yet to comment.

Rivaldo sent Alex Feguson his sperm in the post when asked to join Man Utd in '99

Brazilian ace Rivaldo revealed to espn.com that he once sent Alex Ferguson his sperm in the post.

The 36 year old striker, who now plies his trade in Uzbek league side Bunyodkor said this week "Manchester tried to sign me after their 1999 triumph. I was happy at Barcelona at this stage. So i did the inevitable. I jagged off into a bag and sent it to Sir Alex in the post. I told him he can clone his own Rivaldo with my love juice. He can even inseminate his wife if needs be."

Sir Alex Ferguson denies these claims

Cristiano Ronaldo admits to being sucked off by a man during crash

Manchester United maestro Cristiano Ronaldo admitted on Radio Five Live today that he was being sucked off by a homeless man which caused the car srash to his Ferrari on the A538 near Manchester Airport.


The Portugese star said he paid homeless man, Graham Johnson, £20 for a quick fellatio whilst he was driving. "I was in Manchester city centre. I seen a homeless man. I have him a pound. He was grateful and said he'd seen me in old newspapers playing for United." Ronaldo said before adding "I was due to go to training, so I told him I would let him watch United train from the sidelines if he liked. On the journey, I flashed a £20 note. I took out my glorious penis and told him the £20 would be his if he got his mouth around it and sucked me off like his life depended on it. I was ejaculating when the crash occured. The homeless man ran off after the crash. Without the £20 of course, as swallowing was part of the deal whcih he did not do."

Graham Johnson told the Manchester Evening News "I will suck anyone. Man, woman or child. I will suck. But thats the last time I suck off a United player. I'll just stick with City. Even Robinho paid up."

Carlo Ancelotti admits to colourful past

AC Milan manager Carlo Ancelotti told Sky Italia today that he used to be gun-runner, pimp and drug dealer during his time as a Roma player from 1979-1987.

"Rome was such a great city. I loved it there and I have eternal respect for the Roman people. But during my time with the club there, I was the lowest paid player earning a pay-as-you-play deal of the equivalent of €20 per game. I could not feed nor clothe my family. So I found other ways. I pimped out my wife to some of the other players. For the equivalent of approximately €400 a go. Thirty minute sessions. Zbigniew Boniek was a regular. Sebastiano Nela once paid me around €80,000 for a weekend of a big fuck-fest with my wife. Another way of making cash was the drug trade. Which was booming in the 1980's. Sources tell me that if you snorted cocaine in Rome or the Lazio area there was 80% chance it came from me. I also made billions of Lira in selling guns. Uzi's, 45's, 357 magnums, sawn-off's. I had bent cops everywhere who'd turn a blind eye in return for free season tickets."

Police are investigating the matter.