Beckham victim of gang rape by Seedorf and Pirlo

England star David Beckham has reported to Milanese police that he has been subject to sexual abuse by Clarence Seedorf and Andrea Pirlo.

In a statement at davidbeckham.net he says "It is with great sadness that I announce I have had to report on Clarence and Andrea of their sexual abuse on me. During games they touch my bum (see pic) to let me know they will knock the hole off me once in the showers.

It started off as a joke but now I got Pirlo tea bagging me whilst Seedorf, who has a 12 inch black cock, pumping the ass of me. Everytime I fart, it burns. This cannot go on" Beckham said.

Clarence Seedorf proudly admits it "I have four vices in life" said the Dutchman "One of football, another is beating women, another is online pornography and lastly another is raping players. I've been doing it for years. Beckhams a cute cunt! I love to bang him while he screams in agony. Such a good laugh".

Andrea Pirlo said that he doesnt use anal penetration on Becks and that he just enjoys getting his testicles licked by force on Beckham while he masturbates and ejaculates "all over Goldenballs".

AC Milan coach Leonardo said the club will take no action on the players but Beckham will be dropped for 2 games for being too handsome and a tell-tale!

Iniesta is told he is "too pale" to be Spanish

Barcelona maestro Andres Iniesta was told today Real Federación Española de Fútbol that he is probably not Spanish.

President of the RFEF Ángel María Villar told reporters today in Madrid "Nah, I ain't convinced. He's like a fucking polar bear. How do i know he didnt legally change his name and pay to get false documents to cover it up? He's porbably from Norway."

Iniesta, who Wayne Rooney famously reckons is the worlds best player, said today at the Camp Nou "This is a load of my fucking bollocks! I was born in Fuentealbilla for crying out loud. Even if i wasnt Spanish born, which I am, I have been on Barcelona's books since 1996. I would have been eligable to be a Spanish citizen years ago. They're treating me like a fucking gypsy. And Ibrahimovic is a gypsy...I bet the Swedish FA dont tell him his nose is too big for the team."

Coach Pep Guardiola said "He is a player we'd all love to give a rim job to. What? Wait...what was the question?"

River Plate encourages fan violance

Argentine giants Club Atlético River Plate have announced on their website that they will not condemn their hooligan fans, but encourage them.

"We here at Club Atlético River Plate feel that hooliganism is an integral part of the game" the announcement on riverplatesayfuckyou.com said "Our hooligans are the finest in Argentina. We have fans who are prejudice against blacks, whites, gays, asians, Brazilians..you name it. We would like to reward these hooligans by starting up both the riverplatesaysfuckyou.com and river-riot.net websites. Here fans can register as hooligans for a $12 per year membership. It is limited to 20,000. There they will be given tickets to all home and away games to cause mayhem. To celebrate this we have arranged a friendly against Maccabi Tel Aviv FC in their ground so our hooligans can cause riots against jews and rival fans."

President of River Hooligans Diminic Domiguez said "I was so happy when i heard the club was starting this up. I was so excited, I beat up a down syndrome kid. Nearly left the fucker for dead. Or tried to anyway. You should see him, cause he wont see you. Not any more."

River Plate striker Ariel Ortega said "This is a brilliant idea. Lets fuck some cunts up!"

Zat Knight arrested for stealing babies.

Bolton Wanderers defender Zat Knight was arrested in Bolton city centre this morning just after 7.30am by armed detectives after a string of new born babies were stolen from hospitals in the surrounding area.

Police said at a press conference this afternoon "A 29 year old man was arrested in connection with the abduction of 6 newborn children in city centre hospitals"

When released oddball Knight said "So what? I stole some fucking babies! Whats the big deal? I was gonna give them back. I always give them back. I just needed them cause my sister was going on the Jeremy Kyle show with 7 or 8 kids to get some phoney childrens allowance."

Bolton manager Owen Coyle said at the Reebok stadium today "I fully respect Zat's antics. Whatever he does on his own time is his own business. Once it doesnt interrupt with what he does on the pitch. Saying that, I must put up fences at the terraces in case the loon tries to nick some kids."

Fred West given posthumous honour at Liverpool FC

Serial rapist and murderer Fred West was given a posthumous honour of "Honorary Director" at Liverpool Football Club this morning.

Manager Rafa Bentitez said at the ceremony attended by 72,000 people outside Anfield "Today is a great day. A great day for the club and for the late Fred West, despite the serial rapes and murders, he wa s agreat man. He was quite a handy goalkeeper. Therefore I am truly honoured that a man who I regard up with Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ and Robbie Williams is to get such an honour at a club I am involved with." to a standing ovation by onlookers.

Steven Gerrard spoke out "Hang on a fucking second. All you fucking morons are insane. This was a murderer" before being gassed by private agents and taken to a nearby hospital for a "personality test".

Rumours that the Church of Scientology are influencing the club.

Harold Shipman is to receive a similar award at Man United as Josef "who's the daddy" Fritzl will also receive a similar award at Bayern Munich.

John Terry has had "orgies"

Chelsea player (both uses of the word) John "JT" Terry has revealed he has had orgies and orgies with many players wives.

"Fuck it. Ive no STD's, I'm fit enough. I banged loads of people. Except that Alex Gerrard thing. She is a weapon of mass fucking destruction. But i did bang Victoria Beckham. I also banged Avram Grants missus. She's into golden shwoers. Fucked up isnt it? Can you imagine Avram Grant pleasing his wife by pissing all over her? The mind boggles" said JT.

Frank Lampard says "I just love to watch" before leaving the press conference in tears.

Paris St Germain to introduce same-sex marriages at the Parc de Princes

French club Paris St Germain will be introducing same sex marriages at ther home games during games.

"It's our way of showing we like the gay community" explained coach Antoine Kombouaré "despite the sick shit those cretins who mascarade themselves as humans get up to. I mean...what the fuck is this "tea bagging" i keep hearing about? It sounds sick."

French homosexual and PSG supprter Alain Fontein explained "Me and my boyfriend Asterix will be getting married at the upcoming match of PSG v Rennes. I cannot wait to let 40,000 people at the stadium see me get married and consumate the hell out of our marriage right there in the stand with some 69ing."

PSG player Ludovic Giuly said "Whoa whoa whoa! Gay men will be getting married at the stadium? Fuck this...get my agent on the phone. I'm taking up the LA Galaxy's offer to join them. Fuck this. At least in America there's organisations that go gay bashing. Its something me and Eto'o used to do at Barcelona. Knock shit out of queers in the streets. What? Man City have wank-offs? Fucking...get my fucking agent on the phone...what? I dont know where he is? Whats the Pink Flamingo? WHAT?" before storming out.

Sol Campbell is rumoured to be interested in a transfer to the Paris club.

Sepp Blatter explains why Ireland cannot be the World Cup's 33rd team

FIFA president Sepp Blatter told assembled journalists at a press conference in Geneva exactly why the Republic of Ireland cannot be the World Cup's "33rd team".

"That inbred looking cunt from the FAI came to me and said 'oi...Sepp...that French cunt handles the ball...put us in the world cup or I'll kick you in the gooch'. So I said "see you, you catholic pig licker, I wouldnt have 50,000 drunken Irish inbreds in South Africa if it was the last thing I ever done!" said Mr Blatter "The country's only coming through. I wont be responsible for lowering the tone of the country or explaining why there are 75,000 impregnanted locals giving birth to buffoons with ginger hair...nor will I be responsible for Giovanni Trapattoni dying his fucking hair green!"

The FAI said today "These claims by Mr Blatter or whatever his fucking name is is only part true. Yes, we asked to be the 33rd team. But we didnt say we'll kick him in the bollocks. We said we'll suck his bollocks. But we fully retract that offer now. The girl in reception was up for a bit of anal play if it gets us into the world cup. She's a trooper. A trooper with a pooper full of swiss cheese. Oh well, what could have been."

Robinho reveals "too much jizz" in the Man City dressing room prompted move to Brazil

Brazilian ace Robinho has revealed why he left Manchester City FC for a loan move to his native Brazil to play for his former club Santos.

"There was too much jizz in the dressing room for my liking. That cock Carlos Tevez was a chronic wanker. Nice guy and all, but fuck me pink, he'd wank for Argentina! The whole floor was covered in cum. And that other fucker Adebayor, holy shit, everytime i look at him he's jerking off. Every fucking time! The floors, the seats, the lockers...covered in jizz. Do you know who else was a cunt for it when he was here...Mark Hughes. I caught him pulling the dick off himself in Roque Santa Cruz's shorts. Dirty cunts. Then i got a call from a coach saying Vieira is joining city. Fuck that! Booked a plane to Brazil within 10 minutes. Fuck all of you!" said the star.

Manager Roberto Mancini backed up the claims. Talking to press he said "Yeah. Fuck it. We all like a wank once in a while. I used to have wank-off's with Luis Figo when I was at Inter. I won once. But I hold the record for cumming in 12.4 seconds. Blew my load in Luis' face. We laugh about it. Oh, how i miss Luis."

Luis Figo was unavailable for comment

Mexico coach will "do a Fritzl"

Mexico team coach Javier Aguirre has vowed to "do a Fritzl" to players if they do not perform to their standards.

"Those dirty fucking cunts" said the former Athletico Madrid manager "I have had a cellar made underneath the Aztec Stadium. Forty bedrooms in it. Measuring a 4 foot by 6 foot and the ceiling is 5 foot high. I will lock every one of those dick lickers and have my way with them on a daily basis. I will, basically, do a Frtizl. If we lose one more motherfucking game, that's it!"

After the press conference the 51 year old pulled out his penis to the gathered media and screamed "They'll get this!" before leaving the room laughing.

Striker Carlos Vela welcomes the idea. "Its similar to what Arsene Wenger does to the youths at Arsenal. I'm in!"