Ronaldo wanks Kaka

Real Madrid hero Cristiano Ronaldo told spanish reporters that he "wanked off" Kaka in order to get closer to God.

"He tells me he belongs to Jesus. I always wanted to get closer to God. He said he can help me. I asked him what do I have to do" said the Portugese star. "He then took out his penis and said to wank him silly and he would have a word with God. He blew his muck all over my new Gucci jeans and I feel no closer to God".

Kaka has declined to comment.

Man City reveal new signings motive

Manchester City have revealed the reason they have bought Carlos Tevez, Gareth Barry and Roque Santa Cruz.

"Basically I fancy Tevez" admitted a smitten Stephen Ireland. "I used to watch him when we played against United and I'd fantasize in the middle of the game...literally in the middle of the park while the game is going on...and I'd imagine me rimming Tevez." said the Irishman.

Mark Hughes explained "Stephen came to me and said 'boss...you gotta buy Tevez. I'll do anything. And i mean it...fucking anything' and I found that hard to resist". Rumours in the Eastlands camp is that Mark Hughes uses Stephen Ireland for tea-bagging.

Man City owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan bought Gareth Barry and Roque Santa Cruz because he had "some money lying around taking up space" according to Hughes.

The city saga continues.