Joey Barton meets his real father

Joey Barton met his real father, who is in fact, 4 years older than him. Dick Barton was used by the FA in the film (below) in their "Kick homophobia out of football" campaign. Mr Barton insisted he wasnt acting. "No, bollocks lad! I thought it was a documentary. Just filming me everyday sort of thing. Now take your eyes off me cock, bumboy!"
Joey Barton was unavailable for comment but did attempt murder on a down syndrome child in Newcastle city centre upon hearing the news. Local police laughed it off "that's our Joey" they chortled.

See the video of Joey Barton's father below.

Champions League quarter final draw reactions

Managers and players had mixed reactions upon hearing todays Champions League quarter final draw.

Bayern Munich v Manchester United

Bayern winger Franck Ribery said "This is a load of my cockhole. Why do we get drawn United? Why cant we have a fucking handy one line Bordeaux. Fuck this!". United boss Alex Ferguson said "Amazing. Gonna grow a little Hitler 'tasche and all for this one!"

Lyon v Bordeaux

Bordeaux midfielder Yoann Gourcuff said "Great..another French team. For fuck sake, I was hoping for Arsenal. I hear London is a good town. Even John Terry can get laid. Fuck it, I might join City". Lyon officials didnt bother turning up for the draw as they said in a statement at lyonfootball.fr "We dont care about this cup."

Arsenal v Barcelona

Arsenal boss and grade A pervert Arsene Wenger admitted he wont be available to travel to Barcelona for Arsenal's away leg as he has a court order not to be within 5 miles of a school in Barcelona city for something he did "a long time ago". Barcelona gypsy Zlatan Ibrahimovic asked reporters for Wayne Bridge's ex partner's phone number and her London address.

CSKA Moscow v Inter Milan

Special one José Mourinho admitted he had a previous problem with Russian vodka in the past and may not travel to Moscow for Inter's away tie. "The last time i drank Russian vodka, I tried that dangerous wanking thing that Michael Hutchence died from".