Giovanni Trapattoni explains the reason for not selecting Andy Reid

Football legend and current Republic of Ireland manager Giovanni Trapattoni has told a press conference in Dublin today of the reason why he didn't select Andy Reid.

"No, he is a great player. Could easily fit in my team. But I told him, if he wants to play for Ireland, he is to give me a massage with a happy ending. I told Shay Given the same thing and he happily gave me what he calls the "Shanghai surprise". He uses lotion and everything. Sadly, Andy did not agree and now is not in the squad."

Friends' "Chandler" becomes a Hull City player

Actor Matthew Perry, best known for playing "Chandler" is US TV sitcom Friends, has signed a two year professional contract with Premiership side Hull City.

Hull boss Phil Brown explained he seen Perry, a 39 year old heavy smoker who never played football in his life, kick a ball with his nephew on a beach in Los Angeles in 2007 and was immediately stunned by his style. "I seen him kick the ball twice. I knew I had to someday bring him to a professional club. So, when his filming schedule had a gap I offered him a £80,000 a week two year deal. He will also become captain and be given the number 10 shirt. said Brown.

Perry said "I can't fuckin' believe it man. This stupid cocksucker from England wants me to play soccer? I never played it. But fuck it, eighty grand a fuckin' week? Do you know how much JD and coke I'll get with that."

Juliano Belletti's dressing room habits "out of control"

Chelsea boss Luiz Felipe Scolari told a press conference today that their Brazilian right back Juliano Belletti's dressing room habits are becoming a concern and may be forced to sell the former Barcelona star.

"Belletti has become out of control. About a month ago for example, we were preparing for training and in the dressing room, he brings in two blonde models from Brazil and tells them to check out the other players packages. Then before the United game, in the dressing room, he kept calling be a "baldy twat". But the worst was last Tuesday before morning training, he was wanking and ejaculated into Joe Cole's boot. He locked himself in the toilet and did it. Reappeared minutes later and Joe Cole's boot was covered in jizz." said Scolari before adding "It's a cause for concern. My players have voiced their upset. I may sell him or put him on loan."

Didier Drogba told Sky Sports News "He was racist to me one day. One moment, everything is normal, next thing I know after everyone left the changing room, he takes out a 12 inch dildo and starts making monkey chants at me".

Belletti's behaviour was confirmed by camera's at yesterdays training session when he left the training ground in his £60,000 BMW wearing nothing but a bra.

Zinedine Zidane to seek revenge on Materazzi

France, Real Madrid and Juventus legend Zinedine Zidane has vowed revenge on Marco Materazzi for the infamous incident that took place in the World Cup Final in 2006 in Germany.

During the extra-time period, Materazzi was headbutted in the chest by Zinedine Zidane, who was then sent off. Zidane had accused him for insulting his sister and mother, but during a press conference following the event, Materazzi lied that after he had grabbed Zidane's jersey, Zidane offered it to him sarcastically. Materazzi then replied, "I prefer the whore that is your sister," which resulted in the headbutt.

Zidane said this week that he "eliminate his entire family by flying a Boeing 747 into his family home in Milan with the help of my muslim friends from Algeria".

Police are investigating the matter.

Benitez is father of Reina and Torres

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez today proved positive in a DNA test that he is in fact the father of goalkeeper Pepe Reina and striker Fernando Torres.

"This is bad news for the families involved, but I am glad to see that I made two of the best Spanish players of the last few years. And what a co-incidence I signed them to Liverpool." Benitez said "It's clear Pepe inherited my poor hairline and Fernando inherited my 11 inch penis. I've seen him in the showers. I used to always think 'it looks remarkably like mine', now it turns out I was right. Although I must admit I had a sneaky feeling about Pepe but Fernando is a surprise".

"I am glad my father is Rafa" was the only statement Pepe Reina made today on liverpoolfc.tv while Torres said "When I joined Liverpool, my family said to me that I should think again before joining Liverpool becuase they did not like Benitez. I know know why. Seemingly he was knocking the ass off my mother for years."

Rumours are circulating that Benitez may be Steven Gerrard's father also as he was known to be around the Liverpool area in 1979 and 1980 for dirty drunk weekends.

Thierry Henry admits to "jerking off" Cesc Fabregas

Arsenal legend Thierry Henry has admitted to reporters at a press conference in the Camp Nou today, that he once masturbated Cesc Fabregas.

"It's no big deal, you know" said the 31 year old France international "we were in the showers. Cesc was there and was washing his down-below region. I offered to help him clean it. One thing led to another. Next thing I know, he's blowing a load in my hand. It was beautiful really. I like jerking off Cesc. I think he liked it too."

Euro 2008 winner Fabregas has other ideas regarding the situation. "French cunt told me it was introduction to Arsenal FC. Like a tradition. He told me David Seaman wanked him off when he joined the Gooners in 1999. I thought i would allow this disgusting act to happen for the team, seeing as it tradition. French rapist prick!"