Champions League preview

We look at the upcoming Champions League matches.

Atlético
v
APOEL

Diego Forlan has told fans he will open fire in the stands if he doesnt score 5 goals in this match. Spanish police are on stand by.

Beşiktaş
v
Man. United

Wayne Rooney has said he is looking forward to his trip to Turkey. Mature ladies of the night are seemingly only the equivalent of £3 per hour for services.

Chelsea
v
Porto

John Terry told team mates "no jizzing off in each others boots as a prank" before the game and to focus. Juliano Belletti has reportedly a twisted sense of humour.

Juventus
v
Bordeaux

Juve fans have been told to stay away from the match tonight as Turin police have found 1,000 tons of PCP and cocaine in the city last week and want to give some "innocent pricks a good hiding - preferably kids and football fans".

Maccabi Haifa
v
Bayern

Bayern Munich ultras have told their German supporters that the Kiryat Eliezer Stadium should be decorated in swastikas and nazi paraphenalia prior to kick off to "remind them jewish fuckholes that Inglourious Basterds is a work of fiction". Haifa fans are looking for some "blonde German dicks to scalp". Police are on standby.

Marseille
v
Milan

Milan star Ronaldinho told manager Leonardo he "may not bother" to turn up to this game as he has to "attend a 48 hour drinking festival" in the outskirts of Milan and that there is a strong possibility he'll "have a threesome with two sluts" that he claims to "sort of" know.

Wolfsburg
v
CSKA Moskva

It was reported today that nobody "gives a flying fuck" about either club and we here at FootballNews365 don't also. If anybody has tickets for this rip them up or if it is on TV, throw the television into the bath. Just make sure your wife isnt in the bath. Unless she is a moany cunt.

Zürich
v
Real Madrid

Real Madrid directors have told Kaka and Ronaldo to stop "sucking the face off each other" at half time. This upset Guti greatly when he learned this as he claims it is his "motivation".

Dynamo Kyiv
v
Rubin

Ukraine police have told fans attending this match that if anybody utters a word they will "inject radiation from the Chernobyl disaster into their spine". This is welcomed by both clubs.

Internazionale
v
Barcelona

Gypsy Zlatan Ibrahimovic has told Lionel Messi (or David Biggs as he is now known) that if Inter's Samuel Eto'o scores, he will not wear Barcelona's number 9 shirt anymore and wants Messi's number 10 shirt. Messi threatened to "cut the japseye off him" if he attempts it.

Liverpool
v
Debrecen

This fixture will feature Anfield's new "Wanking Section" in the Kop for fans who are sexually attracted to half girl-half boy Fernando Torres. A reported 234,000 fans applied for tickets this week for this section.

Lyon
v
Fiorentina

Lyon captain Sidney Govou told Fiorentina fans that he thinks "Italy is a shit hole. The city of Florence is full of AIDS riddled sluts and the Italian language sounds like Josef Fritzl having a wank over his daughters chest.". It is reportedly he was drinking Stella at the time.

Olympiacos
v
AZ

Olympiacos have announced that after hearing about Liverpool's "Wanking Section", they have made the Karaiskakis Stadium a "Wanking Stadium". This made new signing Matt Derbyshire sign a 20 year contract extension for the club. "The Greeks invented homosexuality...not the scousers" said club officials.

Sevilla
v
Unirea Urziceni

Sevilla's stadium Estadio Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán, which normally holds 42,649 people have had the seats taken out and a 200,000 free tickets were given out for this game. "I pray for another Heysel disaster. That will teach fans to chant monkey noises at me." said a jubilant Didier Zokora.

Standard
v
Arsenal

Arsene Wenger will be getting the "Freeman of the City of Liège" award when he arrives in Belgium this week for his "contribution to paedophilia and chocolate". The Frenchman said "It's an honour. I use the chocolate to get all the Arsenal youths into my dungeon".

Stuttgart
v
Rangers

Stuttgart fans have told Rangers fans on message board last week that they should all meet up for "a few scoops" before kick off. Rumours are abound that the German club's catholic fans have bought 20,000 hand grenades "to take out them Papal rejecting protestant bastards". German police aren't bothering to be on standby as Oktoberfest is being prepared.

Lionel Messi changes his name to David Biggs

Lionel Messi has changed his name by deed poll today. As of today his official name is David John Biggs.

The Argentinan explained "I have many heroes. And I wanted to change my name to honour them. David after David Schwimmer of Friends fame. I love his work. I love the character Ross in Friends. Thats what we call Zlatan. We call him sometimes Ross. Becuase he marries so many people. But gypsies do that kind of thing. My new middle name John after John Travolta. I like the way he is in scientology and yet hasnt flipped out on TV like Tom Cruise. An honourable man. And finally Biggs after great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. I like the way he ... er... I'm not sure what he done. He robbed trains or something."

Rumours are strong that he originally wanted to call himself Adolf Fritzl Fred West Free The Paedos Manson.

Aliaksandr Hleb calls Wenger a "paedophile"

Former Gooner Aliaksandr Hleb has labelled former boss Arsene Wenger a paedophile during a recent outburst at a press conference at Stuttgart's training camp.

"He's a fucking kiddie fiddler. Paedophile. He demanded the keys to Theo Walcott's flat when he joined Arsenal. Said it was Arsenal F.C. protocol. Sneaks in to Theo's flat, ties him up and butt fucks him. Blows his load in Theo's poophole. But he does it to the Arsenal youths too."

Aliaksandr Hleb did not stop there.

"He once said to me after an FA Cup game to 'go have another shower'. I asked him why? He said because I probably have radiation from the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in 1986. But that took place in Ukraine. I am from Belarussia. Mr Wenger said all us eastern european sluts were all the same"

Arsenal FC have declined to comment.