Sepp Blatter explains why Ireland cannot be the World Cup's 33rd team

FIFA president Sepp Blatter told assembled journalists at a press conference in Geneva exactly why the Republic of Ireland cannot be the World Cup's "33rd team".

"That inbred looking cunt from the FAI came to me and said 'oi...Sepp...that French cunt handles the ball...put us in the world cup or I'll kick you in the gooch'. So I said "see you, you catholic pig licker, I wouldnt have 50,000 drunken Irish inbreds in South Africa if it was the last thing I ever done!" said Mr Blatter "The country's only coming through. I wont be responsible for lowering the tone of the country or explaining why there are 75,000 impregnanted locals giving birth to buffoons with ginger hair...nor will I be responsible for Giovanni Trapattoni dying his fucking hair green!"

The FAI said today "These claims by Mr Blatter or whatever his fucking name is is only part true. Yes, we asked to be the 33rd team. But we didnt say we'll kick him in the bollocks. We said we'll suck his bollocks. But we fully retract that offer now. The girl in reception was up for a bit of anal play if it gets us into the world cup. She's a trooper. A trooper with a pooper full of swiss cheese. Oh well, what could have been."