Football News 365

Mourinho gives 2nd Real Madrid press conference

2010-06-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

New Real Madrid manager José Mourinho gave a second press conference in his private office in the Bernebeu Stadium in Madrid on Tuesday which sparked controversy.

"All you fucking faggots are going to pay!" the Portugese 47 year old exclaimed "If you print one fucking lie about me, I will have you shot. If you use one photograph that depicts me in a non-professional manner, your wives, children or parent will me shot! I am Jose fucking Mourinho you sons of bitches. I have the thickest cock in Madrid now you whore-masters!"

Real Madrid president Florentino Pérez said "Los Merengues pride ourselves on inflicting fear and intimidation, José know this. If Raul steps out of line, someone will leave a bullet and a photograph of hos kids in his locker. Thats how we roll!"

Joey Barton meets his real father

2010-03-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

Joey Barton met his real father, who is in fact, 4 years older than him. Dick Barton was used by the FA in the film (below) in their "Kick homophobia out of football" campaign. Mr Barton insisted he wasnt acting. "No, bollocks lad! I thought it was a documentary. Just filming me everyday sort of thing. Now take your eyes off me cock, bumboy!"
Joey Barton was unavailable for comment but did attempt murder on a down syndrome child in Newcastle city centre upon hearing the news. Local police laughed it off "that's our Joey" they chortled.

See the video of Joey Barton's father below.

Champions League quarter final draw reactions

2010-03-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

Managers and players had mixed reactions upon hearing todays Champions League quarter final draw.

Bayern Munich v Manchester United

Bayern winger Franck Ribery said "This is a load of my cockhole. Why do we get drawn United? Why cant we have a fucking handy one line Bordeaux. Fuck this!". United boss Alex Ferguson said "Amazing. Gonna grow a little Hitler 'tasche and all for this one!"

Lyon v Bordeaux

Bordeaux midfielder Yoann Gourcuff said "Great..another French team. For fuck sake, I was hoping for Arsenal. I hear London is a good town. Even John Terry can get laid. Fuck it, I might join City". Lyon officials didnt bother turning up for the draw as they said in a statement at lyonfootball.fr "We dont care about this cup."

Arsenal v Barcelona

Arsenal boss and grade A pervert Arsene Wenger admitted he wont be available to travel to Barcelona for Arsenal's away leg as he has a court order not to be within 5 miles of a school in Barcelona city for something he did "a long time ago". Barcelona gypsy Zlatan Ibrahimovic asked reporters for Wayne Bridge's ex partner's phone number and her London address.

CSKA Moscow v Inter Milan

Special one José Mourinho admitted he had a previous problem with Russian vodka in the past and may not travel to Moscow for Inter's away tie. "The last time i drank Russian vodka, I tried that dangerous wanking thing that Michael Hutchence died from".

Beckham victim of gang rape by Seedorf and Pirlo

2010-02-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

England star David Beckham has reported to Milanese police that he has been subject to sexual abuse by Clarence Seedorf and Andrea Pirlo.

In a statement at davidbeckham.net he says "It is with great sadness that I announce I have had to report on Clarence and Andrea of their sexual abuse on me. During games they touch my bum (see pic) to let me know they will knock the hole off me once in the showers.

It started off as a joke but now I got Pirlo tea bagging me whilst Seedorf, who has a 12 inch black cock, pumping the ass of me. Everytime I fart, it burns. This cannot go on" Beckham said.

Clarence Seedorf proudly admits it "I have four vices in life" said the Dutchman "One of football, another is beating women, another is online pornography and lastly another is raping players. I've been doing it for years. Beckhams a cute cunt! I love to bang him while he screams in agony. Such a good laugh".

Andrea Pirlo said that he doesnt use anal penetration on Becks and that he just enjoys getting his testicles licked by force on Beckham while he masturbates and ejaculates "all over Goldenballs".

AC Milan coach Leonardo said the club will take no action on the players but Beckham will be dropped for 2 games for being too handsome and a tell-tale!

Iniesta is told he is "too pale" to be Spanish

2010-02-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

Barcelona maestro Andres Iniesta was told today Real Federación Española de Fútbol that he is probably not Spanish.

President of the RFEF Ángel María Villar told reporters today in Madrid "Nah, I ain't convinced. He's like a fucking polar bear. How do i know he didnt legally change his name and pay to get false documents to cover it up? He's porbably from Norway."

Iniesta, who Wayne Rooney famously reckons is the worlds best player, said today at the Camp Nou "This is a load of my fucking bollocks! I was born in Fuentealbilla for crying out loud. Even if i wasnt Spanish born, which I am, I have been on Barcelona's books since 1996. I would have been eligable to be a Spanish citizen years ago. They're treating me like a fucking gypsy. And Ibrahimovic is a gypsy...I bet the Swedish FA dont tell him his nose is too big for the team."

Coach Pep Guardiola said "He is a player we'd all love to give a rim job to. What? Wait...what was the question?"

River Plate encourages fan violance

2010-02-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

Argentine giants Club Atlético River Plate have announced on their website that they will not condemn their hooligan fans, but encourage them.

"We here at Club Atlético River Plate feel that hooliganism is an integral part of the game" the announcement on riverplatesayfuckyou.com said "Our hooligans are the finest in Argentina. We have fans who are prejudice against blacks, whites, gays, asians, Brazilians..you name it. We would like to reward these hooligans by starting up both the riverplatesaysfuckyou.com and river-riot.net websites. Here fans can register as hooligans for a $12 per year membership. It is limited to 20,000. There they will be given tickets to all home and away games to cause mayhem. To celebrate this we have arranged a friendly against Maccabi Tel Aviv FC in their ground so our hooligans can cause riots against jews and rival fans."

President of River Hooligans Diminic Domiguez said "I was so happy when i heard the club was starting this up. I was so excited, I beat up a down syndrome kid. Nearly left the fucker for dead. Or tried to anyway. You should see him, cause he wont see you. Not any more."

River Plate striker Ariel Ortega said "This is a brilliant idea. Lets fuck some cunts up!"

Zat Knight arrested for stealing babies.

2010-02-14T16:13:00.000-08:00

Bolton Wanderers defender Zat Knight was arrested in Bolton city centre this morning just after 7.30am by armed detectives after a string of new born babies were stolen from hospitals in the surrounding area.

Police said at a press conference this afternoon "A 29 year old man was arrested in connection with the abduction of 6 newborn children in city centre hospitals"

When released oddball Knight said "So what? I stole some fucking babies! Whats the big deal? I was gonna give them back. I always give them back. I just needed them cause my sister was going on the Jeremy Kyle show with 7 or 8 kids to get some phoney childrens allowance."

Bolton manager Owen Coyle said at the Reebok stadium today "I fully respect Zat's antics. Whatever he does on his own time is his own business. Once it doesnt interrupt with what he does on the pitch. Saying that, I must put up fences at the terraces in case the loon tries to nick some kids."

Fred West given posthumous honour at Liverpool FC

2010-02-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

Serial rapist and murderer Fred West was given a posthumous honour of "Honorary Director" at Liverpool Football Club this morning.

Manager Rafa Bentitez said at the ceremony attended by 72,000 people outside Anfield "Today is a great day. A great day for the club and for the late Fred West, despite the serial rapes and murders, he wa s agreat man. He was quite a handy goalkeeper. Therefore I am truly honoured that a man who I regard up with Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ and Robbie Williams is to get such an honour at a club I am involved with." to a standing ovation by onlookers.

Steven Gerrard spoke out "Hang on a fucking second. All you fucking morons are insane. This was a murderer" before being gassed by private agents and taken to a nearby hospital for a "personality test".

Rumours that the Church of Scientology are influencing the club.

Harold Shipman is to receive a similar award at Man United as Josef "who's the daddy" Fritzl will also receive a similar award at Bayern Munich.

John Terry has had "orgies"

2010-02-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

Chelsea player (both uses of the word) John "JT" Terry has revealed he has had orgies and orgies with many players wives.

"Fuck it. Ive no STD's, I'm fit enough. I banged loads of people. Except that Alex Gerrard thing. She is a weapon of mass fucking destruction. But i did bang Victoria Beckham. I also banged Avram Grants missus. She's into golden shwoers. Fucked up isnt it? Can you imagine Avram Grant pleasing his wife by pissing all over her? The mind boggles" said JT.

Frank Lampard says "I just love to watch" before leaving the press conference in tears.

Paris St Germain to introduce same-sex marriages at the Parc de Princes

2010-02-14T12:25:00.001-08:00

French club Paris St Germain will be introducing same sex marriages at ther home games during games.

"It's our way of showing we like the gay community" explained coach Antoine Kombouaré "despite the sick shit those cretins who mascarade themselves as humans get up to. I mean...what the fuck is this "tea bagging" i keep hearing about? It sounds sick."

French homosexual and PSG supprter Alain Fontein explained "Me and my boyfriend Asterix will be getting married at the upcoming match of PSG v Rennes. I cannot wait to let 40,000 people at the stadium see me get married and consumate the hell out of our marriage right there in the stand with some 69ing."

PSG player Ludovic Giuly said "Whoa whoa whoa! Gay men will be getting married at the stadium? Fuck this...get my agent on the phone. I'm taking up the LA Galaxy's offer to join them. Fuck this. At least in America there's organisations that go gay bashing. Its something me and Eto'o used to do at Barcelona. Knock shit out of queers in the streets. What? Man City have wank-offs? Fucking...get my fucking agent on the phone...what? I dont know where he is? Whats the Pink Flamingo? WHAT?" before storming out.

Sol Campbell is rumoured to be interested in a transfer to the Paris club.

Sepp Blatter explains why Ireland cannot be the World Cup's 33rd team

2010-02-14T12:13:00.000-08:00

FIFA president Sepp Blatter told assembled journalists at a press conference in Geneva exactly why the Republic of Ireland cannot be the World Cup's "33rd team".

"That inbred looking cunt from the FAI came to me and said 'oi...Sepp...that French cunt handles the ball...put us in the world cup or I'll kick you in the gooch'. So I said "see you, you catholic pig licker, I wouldnt have 50,000 drunken Irish inbreds in South Africa if it was the last thing I ever done!" said Mr Blatter "The country's only coming through. I wont be responsible for lowering the tone of the country or explaining why there are 75,000 impregnanted locals giving birth to buffoons with ginger hair...nor will I be responsible for Giovanni Trapattoni dying his fucking hair green!"

The FAI said today "These claims by Mr Blatter or whatever his fucking name is is only part true. Yes, we asked to be the 33rd team. But we didnt say we'll kick him in the bollocks. We said we'll suck his bollocks. But we fully retract that offer now. The girl in reception was up for a bit of anal play if it gets us into the world cup. She's a trooper. A trooper with a pooper full of swiss cheese. Oh well, what could have been."

Robinho reveals "too much jizz" in the Man City dressing room prompted move to Brazil

2010-02-14T11:50:00.000-08:00

Brazilian ace Robinho has revealed why he left Manchester City FC for a loan move to his native Brazil to play for his former club Santos.

"There was too much jizz in the dressing room for my liking. That cock Carlos Tevez was a chronic wanker. Nice guy and all, but fuck me pink, he'd wank for Argentina! The whole floor was covered in cum. And that other fucker Adebayor, holy shit, everytime i look at him he's jerking off. Every fucking time! The floors, the seats, the lockers...covered in jizz. Do you know who else was a cunt for it when he was here...Mark Hughes. I caught him pulling the dick off himself in Roque Santa Cruz's shorts. Dirty cunts. Then i got a call from a coach saying Vieira is joining city. Fuck that! Booked a plane to Brazil within 10 minutes. Fuck all of you!" said the star.

Manager Roberto Mancini backed up the claims. Talking to press he said "Yeah. Fuck it. We all like a wank once in a while. I used to have wank-off's with Luis Figo when I was at Inter. I won once. But I hold the record for cumming in 12.4 seconds. Blew my load in Luis' face. We laugh about it. Oh, how i miss Luis."

Luis Figo was unavailable for comment

Mexico coach will "do a Fritzl"

2010-02-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

Mexico team coach Javier Aguirre has vowed to "do a Fritzl" to players if they do not perform to their standards.

"Those dirty fucking cunts" said the former Athletico Madrid manager "I have had a cellar made underneath the Aztec Stadium. Forty bedrooms in it. Measuring a 4 foot by 6 foot and the ceiling is 5 foot high. I will lock every one of those dick lickers and have my way with them on a daily basis. I will, basically, do a Frtizl. If we lose one more motherfucking game, that's it!"

After the press conference the 51 year old pulled out his penis to the gathered media and screamed "They'll get this!" before leaving the room laughing.

Striker Carlos Vela welcomes the idea. "Its similar to what Arsene Wenger does to the youths at Arsenal. I'm in!"

Edwin Van Der Sar arrested for flashing in Manchester

2009-10-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

Manchester United goalkeeper and grade A pervert Edwin Van Der Sar was arrested last Monday outside Bedford High School in Leigh, Greater Manchester for flashing his bits at students.

A spokesperson for Gtr Manchester Police said "We arrested a 38 year old well known Dutchman for indecent exposure last Monday at 8.30am as students were entering the school. The accused was not intoxicated at the time and had no drugs or mind altering substances in his blood stream after a series of tests."

A spokesperson for Manchester United issued a press release this morning
"We are ecstatic for Edwin's arrest. We here at the football club appreciate sex offenders and perverts on our books and we will be encouraging our goalkeeper to continue flashing as we will bail him out. This club was founded on perverts and we will continue our policy of employing dirtbirds, scumbags, homosexuals and perverts. Like Cristiano Ronaldo."

Edwin Van Der Sar's solicitor said in Amsterdam this morning "Edwin does his thing, that's cool. You wanna buy some 12 year old pussy? Wait! Who are you? What? Off the record...off the record...shit! No comment!"

Racsim "not a problem" says Zenith St Petersburg coach

2009-10-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

FC Zenith St Petersburg coach Anatoli Davydov has told reporters that racsim is not a problem at the club and their notoriously racist fans.

"Its not problem at all. We just don't buy any blacks or jews" said the Russian. "In fact we don't buy gypsies, gays, indians, asians, south africans or anything. We dont even let them into the stadiums. So there is no problems." said Zenith's coach.

The club backs Anatoli Davydov's comments.

Champions League preview

2009-09-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

We look at the upcoming Champions League matches.

Atlético
v
APOEL

Diego Forlan has told fans he will open fire in the stands if he doesnt score 5 goals in this match. Spanish police are on stand by.

Beşiktaş
v
Man. United

Wayne Rooney has said he is looking forward to his trip to Turkey. Mature ladies of the night are seemingly only the equivalent of £3 per hour for services.

Chelsea
v
Porto

John Terry told team mates "no jizzing off in each others boots as a prank" before the game and to focus. Juliano Belletti has reportedly a twisted sense of humour.

Juventus
v
Bordeaux

Juve fans have been told to stay away from the match tonight as Turin police have found 1,000 tons of PCP and cocaine in the city last week and want to give some "innocent pricks a good hiding - preferably kids and football fans".

Maccabi Haifa
v
Bayern

Bayern Munich ultras have told their German supporters that the Kiryat Eliezer Stadium should be decorated in swastikas and nazi paraphenalia prior to kick off to "remind them jewish fuckholes that Inglourious Basterds is a work of fiction". Haifa fans are looking for some "blonde German dicks to scalp". Police are on standby.

Marseille
v
Milan

Milan star Ronaldinho told manager Leonardo he "may not bother" to turn up to this game as he has to "attend a 48 hour drinking festival" in the outskirts of Milan and that there is a strong possibility he'll "have a threesome with two sluts" that he claims to "sort of" know.

Wolfsburg
v
CSKA Moskva

It was reported today that nobody "gives a flying fuck" about either club and we here at FootballNews365 don't also. If anybody has tickets for this rip them up or if it is on TV, throw the television into the bath. Just make sure your wife isnt in the bath. Unless she is a moany cunt.

Zürich
v
Real Madrid

Real Madrid directors have told Kaka and Ronaldo to stop "sucking the face off each other" at half time. This upset Guti greatly when he learned this as he claims it is his "motivation".

Dynamo Kyiv
v
Rubin

Ukraine police have told fans attending this match that if anybody utters a word they will "inject radiation from the Chernobyl disaster into their spine". This is welcomed by both clubs.

Internazionale
v
Barcelona

Gypsy Zlatan Ibrahimovic has told Lionel Messi (or David Biggs as he is now known) that if Inter's Samuel Eto'o scores, he will not wear Barcelona's number 9 shirt anymore and wants Messi's number 10 shirt. Messi threatened to "cut the japseye off him" if he attempts it.

Liverpool
v
Debrecen

This fixture will feature Anfield's new "Wanking Section" in the Kop for fans who are sexually attracted to half girl-half boy Fernando Torres. A reported 234,000 fans applied for tickets this week for this section.

Lyon
v
Fiorentina

Lyon captain Sidney Govou told Fiorentina fans that he thinks "Italy is a shit hole. The city of Florence is full of AIDS riddled sluts and the Italian language sounds like Josef Fritzl having a wank over his daughters chest.". It is reportedly he was drinking Stella at the time.

Olympiacos
v
AZ

Olympiacos have announced that after hearing about Liverpool's "Wanking Section", they have made the Karaiskakis Stadium a "Wanking Stadium". This made new signing Matt Derbyshire sign a 20 year contract extension for the club. "The Greeks invented homosexuality...not the scousers" said club officials.

Sevilla
v
Unirea Urziceni

Sevilla's stadium Estadio Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán, which normally holds 42,649 people have had the seats taken out and a 200,000 free tickets were given out for this game. "I pray for another Heysel disaster. That will teach fans to chant monkey noises at me." said a jubilant Didier Zokora.

Standard
v
Arsenal

Arsene Wenger will be getting the "Freeman of the City of Liège" award when he arrives in Belgium this week for his "contribution to paedophilia and chocolate". The Frenchman said "It's an honour. I use the chocolate to get all the Arsenal youths into my dungeon".

Stuttgart
v
Rangers

Stuttgart fans have told Rangers fans on message board last week that they should all meet up for "a few scoops" before kick off. Rumours are abound that the German club's catholic fans have bought 20,000 hand grenades "to take out them Papal rejecting protestant bastards". German police aren't bothering to be on standby as Oktoberfest is being prepared.

Lionel Messi changes his name to David Biggs

2009-09-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

Lionel Messi has changed his name by deed poll today. As of today his official name is David John Biggs.

The Argentinan explained "I have many heroes. And I wanted to change my name to honour them. David after David Schwimmer of Friends fame. I love his work. I love the character Ross in Friends. Thats what we call Zlatan. We call him sometimes Ross. Becuase he marries so many people. But gypsies do that kind of thing. My new middle name John after John Travolta. I like the way he is in scientology and yet hasnt flipped out on TV like Tom Cruise. An honourable man. And finally Biggs after great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. I like the way he ... er... I'm not sure what he done. He robbed trains or something."

Rumours are strong that he originally wanted to call himself Adolf Fritzl Fred West Free The Paedos Manson.

Aliaksandr Hleb calls Wenger a "paedophile"

2009-09-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Former Gooner Aliaksandr Hleb has labelled former boss Arsene Wenger a paedophile during a recent outburst at a press conference at Stuttgart's training camp.

"He's a fucking kiddie fiddler. Paedophile. He demanded the keys to Theo Walcott's flat when he joined Arsenal. Said it was Arsenal F.C. protocol. Sneaks in to Theo's flat, ties him up and butt fucks him. Blows his load in Theo's poophole. But he does it to the Arsenal youths too."

Aliaksandr Hleb did not stop there.

"He once said to me after an FA Cup game to 'go have another shower'. I asked him why? He said because I probably have radiation from the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in 1986. But that took place in Ukraine. I am from Belarussia. Mr Wenger said all us eastern european sluts were all the same"

Arsenal FC have declined to comment.

Sol Campbell is "not bumming" Sven-Göran Eriksson

2009-08-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

Notts County new boy Sulzeer Jeremiah "Sol" Campbell has told BBC reporters that he is not having sex with Sven-Göran Eriksson, County's current director of football.

"I didnt join County cause i am bumming Sven! Fuck no! I am sucking him off." Campbell said "I like a white willy. He likes black sausage."

County have yet to comment.

Girl, 11, murdered by football

2009-08-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

An 11 year old girl was brutally murdered by another 11 year old girl as the Long Beach Indians under 12's took on the Ocean Drive Bananas under 12's last sunday afternoon in Los Angeles.
In this chilling clip the girl in green can be seen deliberately kicking the ball at the girl in white hitting her in the face, killing her instantly.
Two LAPD cops attending the game put two bullets in the head of the offending girl out of disgust. Onlookers then took out guns and a shootout occured. 23 people were killed.

Leeds United encourage fans to take drugs, rape and murder.

2009-08-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Leeds United players turned up to a local primary school in Leeds yesterday morning and told pupils aged 7-12 to take drugs, murder people and rape women.

Pupils at Bridgened Comprehensive were told by star players to commit "unspeakable acts". Team captain Richard Naylor said "all you kids need is a few grams of coke. Snort that right up and beat the living shit out of geezers".

Star striker Jermaine Beckford said "when you see a nice girl in a bar when you get older. Put a roffie in her drink. Bring her to a cheap hotel or an alleyway and have your way with her. Leave her a not then saying 'I hope you were on the pill' and laugh about it".

Manager Simon Grayson said "kill everyone! Next time a classmate gets on your nerves, lodge a pencil in their temple. That'll shut them up".

Leeds United gave an official statement saying "we have to respect the opinions of our players and staff"

Ronaldo wanks Kaka

2009-07-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Real Madrid hero Cristiano Ronaldo told spanish reporters that he "wanked off" Kaka in order to get closer to God.

"He tells me he belongs to Jesus. I always wanted to get closer to God. He said he can help me. I asked him what do I have to do" said the Portugese star. "He then took out his penis and said to wank him silly and he would have a word with God. He blew his muck all over my new Gucci jeans and I feel no closer to God".

Kaka has declined to comment.

Man City reveal new signings motive

2009-07-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

Manchester City have revealed the reason they have bought Carlos Tevez, Gareth Barry and Roque Santa Cruz.

"Basically I fancy Tevez" admitted a smitten Stephen Ireland. "I used to watch him when we played against United and I'd fantasize in the middle of the game...literally in the middle of the park while the game is going on...and I'd imagine me rimming Tevez." said the Irishman.

Mark Hughes explained "Stephen came to me and said 'boss...you gotta buy Tevez. I'll do anything. And i mean it...fucking anything' and I found that hard to resist". Rumours in the Eastlands camp is that Mark Hughes uses Stephen Ireland for tea-bagging.

Man City owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan bought Gareth Barry and Roque Santa Cruz because he had "some money lying around taking up space" according to Hughes.

The city saga continues.

Franck Ribery, Miroslav Klose and Luca Toni admit they are full blown alcoholics.

2009-05-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Bayern Munich stars Franck Ribery, Miroslav Klose and Luca Toni have admitted to German newspaper Deutsche Aussenpolitik that they are full blown alcoholics.

"I guess it stems back to my childhood" said teary heart-throb Ribery "growing up in Boulogne-sur-Mer, I was surrounded with alcohol. My father was an alcoholic. Now, here I am, 26 years old, contemplating suicide when the pubs close. I cant play for Bayern Munich without drinking three quarters a bottle of Absolut."

Miroslav Klose had other ideas "I had not family issue. I just loved the high of being pissed. I used to love waking up in cells in Munich covered in my own piss. It was a laugh for me. But I knew I crossed the line when I tried to suck off Franz Beckenbauer after a drunken bet. His wife was none too pleased after I broke into their house, creeped into their bedroom and tried to disrope Franz. That'll fucking sober you up, I assure you."

Italian Luca Toni tell a different story "I didnt even know I was an alcoholic. Those fuckers Robery and Klose told me the booze was non-alcoholic. I thought I was fine until I woke up on a flight to Belize with seven black hookers covered in piss, semen and wearing a sock and a thong."

Bayern Munich confirmed the three players will seek therapy with immediate effect.

Mourinho's post game interview doesnt go down well

2009-04-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

Inter Milan coach Jose Mourinho made a big cock up at a recent post game press conference at the San Siro.

Journalists asked usual questions analyzing the game and Mourinho answered accordingly. However when FourFourTwo.com asked "Is there any clash of egos in the dressing room?" Mourinho responded by taking out his erect penis and saying "This is the biggest cock in Milan. Who wants to suck on it?"

Inter officials had to restrain the Portugese ex-Chelsea coach and he is currently seekign therapy in an undisclosed location in Bergamo, Italy.

Alan Shearer takes a leaf out of São Paulo's book

2009-04-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

Newcastle manager Alan Shearer has taken a leaf out of Brazilian club São Paulo's book by threatening his players with rape unless the results dont come in.

Shearer told Sky Sports News "Ah, it's unacceptable, pet. I will buttfuck the life out of my players unless they pull their weight. Mike Ashley gave me his blessing. Our club was founded the same year as Liverpool. We've never won a champions league trophy. Why not? There was no fear in our players. I'll soon fucking change that!"

Midfielder Joey Barton was rumoured to be his first victim as he allegedly didnt pull his weight in a recent training session.

"The wanker!" exclaimed Barton in a press conference, "the gaffer came from behind me, held a hankerchief over my mouth, pulled down my shorts and thrusted straight into my poophole. He even said "oooh, what a lovely tea party" when he came. This is surely illegal. But the other players say its not."

Captain Michael Owen gives it his blessing "Well, being fucked by Shearer might get us the results. I used to play for Real Madrid. I'm not playing in the fucking championship. What's that? Hull want to sign me? Get my fucking agent on the phone"

Sao Paolo used similar tactics, but the results did not come in. Eight of the starting eleven are now paralysed from serial rapes.

Maradona and Riquelme spat revealed

2009-03-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

Argentina had been forced to go back to the drawing board following Juan Roman Riquelme's decision to quit the side earlier this week, coach Diego Maradona said on Friday. Maradona said that all his tactical plans had to be scrapped after the enigmatic playmaker, upset at comments the coach made about his playing style, said on Tuesday the two could not work together.

Rumours around La Bonbonera about an alleged spat between Argentine coach and national treasure Diego Maradona and Boca Juniors hero Juan Roman Riqueleme have been revealed by both men on the AFA's website today.

"We are sad to announce Riquelme shall be no longer in the National Team. This is because Riquelme has decided that Maradona's playing style is not good enough for the national side"

But legend Diego had other ideas

"That piece of shit Riquelme tried to fuck both of my daughters while wearing an Athletico shirt. With Aguero's name on the back...who is fucking my daughter. And he tried to fuck my wife, my mother, my cousin. He whacked off in front of me and shot his mud all over my pasta. This was all in one day at training when my family arrived to visit me in my new job"

Boca hero Riqueleme denies the claims

"When I drink Jack Daniels, I black out. It makes me black out completely. I dont remember any of this, therefore it didnt happen"

When asked why did he need to drink at training Boca's number 10 replied

"Listen, if you had to face that ugly cunt Carlos Tevez drunk or sober what would you choose?"

The journalist who asked the question admitted he could be talked into having a second whiskey chaser.

Champions League draw

2009-03-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

The quarter final draw is as follows:

Villarreal v Arsenal

Manchester United v Porto

Liverpool v Chelsea

Barcelona v Bayern Munich

Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger told arsenal.com today "I am delighted with the draw. But even more delighted when I corner Pires and grab his cock to remind him of the good times"

Alex Ferguson was less than pleased on alexferguson.co.uk "I can't fucking believe we got Porto. We're Man United. We shouldnt even have to play these shitty asswipe fucking games. The world player of the year plays for us."

Guus Hiddink told Sky Sports "I am pleased to have got Liverpool. Mainly becuase Lamps has a small crush on Stevie G. and I feel this will improve his game"

Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola told Marca "I'm not going to that shithole, Munich. They can play both legs here. Platini shouldnt have a problem with that considering I once sucked him off in 1990"

West Ham & Blades end Tevez saga

2009-03-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

West Ham and Sheffield United have reached an out-of-court settlement over the long-running Carlos Tevez saga. Striker Tevez, who is a legend in his hometown of Buenos Aires, helped West Ham seal Premier League survival in 2006/2007, while the Blades were relegated.

The out of court settlement was that Sheffield United manager Kevin Blackwell is to be fellated by Wes Ham manager Gianfranco Zola at the Sheffield Hilton Hotel sometime within the next fortnight.

A statement on the Hammers' website http://www.whufc.com read today "We are dleighted with the outcome. All with the exception of Mr. Zola. Our Goalkeeping coach Luděk Mikloško has been paid £150 to watch and verify the felatio. Mr. Blackwell sent the club a fax saying he is "truly delighted" about the outcome. Carlos Tevez rang the club to express his gratitude."

Andrei Arshavin denies rumours he is a KGB agent.

2009-03-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

Arsenal maestro Andrei Arshavin told arsenal.com today he is not a KGB agent. The rumours come that he was seen meeting with some top Russian KBG agents in a London hotel and was seen doing a James Bond-style execution to a well known Russian assassin in Woodside Park, north of London.

"This is a load of fucking cockshit!" snarled Arshavin "I have nothing to do with the KGB. I didnt kill a servant of the Georgian ambassador in order to access delicate files for the country of beautiful Russia last week. I know nothing about the abduction of an MI6 agent in Surrey last night in order to obtain information. I didnt shoot Alexei Nipkenevo (well known russian assassin) in Woodside Park the other week with Russian ShKAS machine gun with a silencer from 200 feet away. I dont go to training with an ear-piece on and armed with a 10 inch hunting knife and a Kalashnikov in my locker. What a load of fucking bollocks. If anyone says otherwise, we'll have you poisoned while you eat with your families. I mean...errr...this meeting is ajourned."

Arsenal F.C. have yet to comment.

Rivaldo sent Alex Feguson his sperm in the post when asked to join Man Utd in '99

2009-03-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

Brazilian ace Rivaldo revealed to espn.com that he once sent Alex Ferguson his sperm in the post.

The 36 year old striker, who now plies his trade in Uzbek league side Bunyodkor said this week "Manchester tried to sign me after their 1999 triumph. I was happy at Barcelona at this stage. So i did the inevitable. I jagged off into a bag and sent it to Sir Alex in the post. I told him he can clone his own Rivaldo with my love juice. He can even inseminate his wife if needs be."

Sir Alex Ferguson denies these claims

Cristiano Ronaldo admits to being sucked off by a man during crash

2009-03-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

Manchester United maestro Cristiano Ronaldo admitted on Radio Five Live today that he was being sucked off by a homeless man which caused the car srash to his Ferrari on the A538 near Manchester Airport.

The Portugese star said he paid homeless man, Graham Johnson, £20 for a quick fellatio whilst he was driving. "I was in Manchester city centre. I seen a homeless man. I have him a pound. He was grateful and said he'd seen me in old newspapers playing for United." Ronaldo said before adding "I was due to go to training, so I told him I would let him watch United train from the sidelines if he liked. On the journey, I flashed a £20 note. I took out my glorious penis and told him the £20 would be his if he got his mouth around it and sucked me off like his life depended on it. I was ejaculating when the crash occured. The homeless man ran off after the crash. Without the £20 of course, as swallowing was part of the deal whcih he did not do."

Graham Johnson told the Manchester Evening News "I will suck anyone. Man, woman or child. I will suck. But thats the last time I suck off a United player. I'll just stick with City. Even Robinho paid up."

Carlo Ancelotti admits to colourful past

2009-03-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

AC Milan manager Carlo Ancelotti told Sky Italia today that he used to be gun-runner, pimp and drug dealer during his time as a Roma player from 1979-1987.

"Rome was such a great city. I loved it there and I have eternal respect for the Roman people. But during my time with the club there, I was the lowest paid player earning a pay-as-you-play deal of the equivalent of €20 per game. I could not feed nor clothe my family. So I found other ways. I pimped out my wife to some of the other players. For the equivalent of approximately €400 a go. Thirty minute sessions. Zbigniew Boniek was a regular. Sebastiano Nela once paid me around €80,000 for a weekend of a big fuck-fest with my wife. Another way of making cash was the drug trade. Which was booming in the 1980's. Sources tell me that if you snorted cocaine in Rome or the Lazio area there was 80% chance it came from me. I also made billions of Lira in selling guns. Uzi's, 45's, 357 magnums, sawn-off's. I had bent cops everywhere who'd turn a blind eye in return for free season tickets."

Police are investigating the matter.

Giovanni Trapattoni explains the reason for not selecting Andy Reid

2009-01-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

Football legend and current Republic of Ireland manager Giovanni Trapattoni has told a press conference in Dublin today of the reason why he didn't select Andy Reid.

"No, he is a great player. Could easily fit in my team. But I told him, if he wants to play for Ireland, he is to give me a massage with a happy ending. I told Shay Given the same thing and he happily gave me what he calls the "Shanghai surprise". He uses lotion and everything. Sadly, Andy did not agree and now is not in the squad."

Friends' "Chandler" becomes a Hull City player

2009-01-23T13:17:00.001-08:00

Actor Matthew Perry, best known for playing "Chandler" is US TV sitcom Friends, has signed a two year professional contract with Premiership side Hull City.

Hull boss Phil Brown explained he seen Perry, a 39 year old heavy smoker who never played football in his life, kick a ball with his nephew on a beach in Los Angeles in 2007 and was immediately stunned by his style. "I seen him kick the ball twice. I knew I had to someday bring him to a professional club. So, when his filming schedule had a gap I offered him a £80,000 a week two year deal. He will also become captain and be given the number 10 shirt. said Brown.

Perry said "I can't fuckin' believe it man. This stupid cocksucker from England wants me to play soccer? I never played it. But fuck it, eighty grand a fuckin' week? Do you know how much JD and coke I'll get with that."

Juliano Belletti's dressing room habits "out of control"

2009-01-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

Chelsea boss Luiz Felipe Scolari told a press conference today that their Brazilian right back Juliano Belletti's dressing room habits are becoming a concern and may be forced to sell the former Barcelona star.

"Belletti has become out of control. About a month ago for example, we were preparing for training and in the dressing room, he brings in two blonde models from Brazil and tells them to check out the other players packages. Then before the United game, in the dressing room, he kept calling be a "baldy twat". But the worst was last Tuesday before morning training, he was wanking and ejaculated into Joe Cole's boot. He locked himself in the toilet and did it. Reappeared minutes later and Joe Cole's boot was covered in jizz." said Scolari before adding "It's a cause for concern. My players have voiced their upset. I may sell him or put him on loan."

Didier Drogba told Sky Sports News "He was racist to me one day. One moment, everything is normal, next thing I know after everyone left the changing room, he takes out a 12 inch dildo and starts making monkey chants at me".

Belletti's behaviour was confirmed by camera's at yesterdays training session when he left the training ground in his £60,000 BMW wearing nothing but a bra.

Zinedine Zidane to seek revenge on Materazzi

2009-01-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

France, Real Madrid and Juventus legend Zinedine Zidane has vowed revenge on Marco Materazzi for the infamous incident that took place in the World Cup Final in 2006 in Germany.

During the extra-time period, Materazzi was headbutted in the chest by Zinedine Zidane, who was then sent off. Zidane had accused him for insulting his sister and mother, but during a press conference following the event, Materazzi lied that after he had grabbed Zidane's jersey, Zidane offered it to him sarcastically. Materazzi then replied, "I prefer the whore that is your sister," which resulted in the headbutt.

Zidane said this week that he "eliminate his entire family by flying a Boeing 747 into his family home in Milan with the help of my muslim friends from Algeria".

Police are investigating the matter.

Benitez is father of Reina and Torres

2009-01-04T14:04:00.001-08:00

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez today proved positive in a DNA test that he is in fact the father of goalkeeper Pepe Reina and striker Fernando Torres.

"This is bad news for the families involved, but I am glad to see that I made two of the best Spanish players of the last few years. And what a co-incidence I signed them to Liverpool." Benitez said "It's clear Pepe inherited my poor hairline and Fernando inherited my 11 inch penis. I've seen him in the showers. I used to always think 'it looks remarkably like mine', now it turns out I was right. Although I must admit I had a sneaky feeling about Pepe but Fernando is a surprise".

"I am glad my father is Rafa" was the only statement Pepe Reina made today on liverpoolfc.tv while Torres said "When I joined Liverpool, my family said to me that I should think again before joining Liverpool becuase they did not like Benitez. I know know why. Seemingly he was knocking the ass off my mother for years."

Rumours are circulating that Benitez may be Steven Gerrard's father also as he was known to be around the Liverpool area in 1979 and 1980 for dirty drunk weekends.

Thierry Henry admits to "jerking off" Cesc Fabregas

2009-01-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

Arsenal legend Thierry Henry has admitted to reporters at a press conference in the Camp Nou today, that he once masturbated Cesc Fabregas.

"It's no big deal, you know" said the 31 year old France international "we were in the showers. Cesc was there and was washing his down-below region. I offered to help him clean it. One thing led to another. Next thing I know, he's blowing a load in my hand. It was beautiful really. I like jerking off Cesc. I think he liked it too."

Euro 2008 winner Fabregas has other ideas regarding the situation. "French cunt told me it was introduction to Arsenal FC. Like a tradition. He told me David Seaman wanked him off when he joined the Gooners in 1999. I thought i would allow this disgusting act to happen for the team, seeing as it tradition. French rapist prick!"

Didier Drogba vows to have sex with team-mates.

2008-12-22T17:45:00.000-08:00

Gay icon and Chelsea striker has warned his team mates that if the team don't perform, he will have sex with them in the changing room showers.

"Ashley Cole has a nice little arse. If he doesn't get it into gear, I'm going to butt fuck him until he does." the striker said.

Ashley Cole was unavailable for comment.

Rory Delap wants throw-in bonus

2008-11-17T08:12:00.000-08:00

Stoke midfielder and throw-in specialist Rory Delap has told his club he demands a £20,000 bonus per throw in, per match.

"I can throw the ball up to four miles. I could throw the ball in our ground and score in Wembley. Twenty grand is the minimim I want."

Stoke City were unavailable for comment.

Paul McCartney creates football club.

2008-11-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

Former Beatle legend Sir Paul McCartney has invested £500 million in creating a new football club based in Warrington.

Warrington Rovers F.C. went into business this morning. McCartney has allegedly spent another £150 million on bribes to ensure they will begin their first season in the Premier League in the 2009/2010 season.

A further £290 million has been spent on a 60,000 seater stadium, construction of which starts immediately.

It was announced on their website, http://www.warringtonroversfc.co.uk/ that Frank Rijkaard has been confirmed as their new manager.

McCartney said today "The idea only came to me last week. I decided to create my own club. Warrington isn't too far from Liverpool, where i'm from, so I thought that would be an ideal location."

"I am delighted Frank has agreed a twelve year contract as coach. He has seen me about potential players he would like me to purchase for the squad" the 65 year old said.

Potential rumoured players include Real Madrid's Arjen Robben, Chelsea's Joe Cole and Juliano Belletti, Barcelona's Bojan Krkic and Victor Valdes, Celtic's Aiden McGeady, Liverpool's Xabi Alonso and Robbie Keane and AC Milan's Andrea Pirlo, Alexandre Pato and Giuanluca Zambrotta.

Stephen Ireland CAN grow hair

2008-11-16T08:11:00.000-08:00

Irish born Man City star Stephen Ireland issued a statement today via City's website that he can grow hair.

The statement read:

"I would just like to thank Man City for this opportunity to clear a few things up. I have never had any hair trouble. I never had a receding hairline. I can grow a full head of hair and never wore a wig.

Having a completely bald shaved head is quite fashionable with Irish people living in England these days.

I would also like to point out that my international situation is not becuase of the time Stephen Hunt, Kevin Doyle, Richard Dunne and Giovanni Trapattoni all held me down and tried to pull my wig off."

Jay Jay Okocha. So good they named him six times.

2008-11-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

Former Nigeria and Bolton star Jay Jay Okocha was subjest to the famous line "so good they named him twice" on Sky Sports' Soccer AM.

This week the 35-year old retired star was honoured by the Nigerian government who on his behalf have not only taken the Soccer AM tagline seriously, they tripled it. His new name will be legally Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Okocha .

Okocha is less than pleased "this is fucking cockspunk" said the former Hull City and PSG striker "i used to get bullied because of the double name thing. Now six names? Holy fucking smoke! I wish I was Brazilian. One name. Ronaldo...Robinho...Kaka...Geovanni...Ronaldinho...Alex. Know what I'm saying? I used to get bullied so much. Once, a certian player used to masturbate me against my own will before matches when I played for Fenerbahçe and then demand money. But then again, this was outside the dressing room."

Kaka' bought by Robinho

2008-11-16T07:54:00.001-08:00

Manchester City ace Robinho has bought fellow countryman Kaka' from AC Milan for €52 million. He has loaned Kaka' back to Milan for one year as they will be paying his €110,000 weekly wages.

City boss Mark Hughes told Daily Sport yesterday "This is unbelievable. What a phenomenal gesture from Robinho."

Robinho snapped back this morning however saying "Who said I am going to give Kaka to Manchester City for? I'm looking for a cleaner in my apartment."

Robinho's Man City demands surface

2008-11-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

Manchester City ace Robinho has told Football News 365 of his list of demands for each home game at the City of Manchester Stadium. These are:

*A seperate dressing room decorated with flowers and framed pictures of Brazilian footballers throughout the years.

*A black limo to travel to the stadium with full armed police escort.

*A 160GB iPod filled with different music every week to be supplied.

*"Exotic dancers" for half time.

*A helicopter to transport him from away stadiums to his Manchester penthouse.

*A swimming pool with

*A photo of Alfonso Alves

Lionel Messi exclusive interview with Football News 365

2008-11-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

Here is an excerpt from an exclusive interview we got with Barcelona ace Lionel Messi.

FN365
What do you feel was the defining moment in your career?

MESSI
Probably when i seen Ronaldinho get my shirt in the dressing room in the Camp Nou. He hung it on the wall for all the other players to see and said "this boy is special". And the whole dressing applauded. Everyone except Oleguer.

FN365
Oleguer? Why did he not applaud?

MESSI
I slept with his mother. He walked in on us once.

The full interview will be out next week.

Joe Kinnear "not a racist"

2008-11-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

Newcastle United interim Manager Joe Kinnear has blasted claims that he is a racist.

According to reports, the 61 year old Dublin born manager, was alleged to make all black players on the senior team wear an armbands with the letters WP on it, alleged to stand for "white power".

"Thats a load of fucking bollocks" said Kinnear, "it stood for wing-player. I was merely trying out some cunts to play on the wing, some of them just happened to be black fellas. I'm not a racist, and even if i was, i wouldn't be. Cause I am not. Now cunt off!"

"Carragher responsible for Liverpool burglaries" says Ferguson

2008-09-14T19:12:00.000-07:00

Following Liverpool's 2-1 win over rivals Manchester United at Anfield on Saturday, Sir Laex Ferguson made some outrageous claims against members of the Liverpool team and boss Rafa Marquez.

"Carragher is a no good piece of shit. Wouldn't surprise me if the scouse cunt was responsible for burglaring his team mates houses and apartments" siad the United boss, adding "And as for that motherfucker Steven Gerrard. He is as useful as tits on a bull. Rafa (Benitez) is a complete wanker too. With his goatee. Who does he think he is? Mick from Brookside. Pack of wankers."

Liverpool stand-in captain Jamie Carragher said on Liverpool's website "Next away United game, I'll have a few scallys by his house so. And we'll burgle him and steal his wife. Then we'll see who's a scouse cunt."

The FA are looking into these comments.

Shamrock Rovers buy international stars.

2008-09-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dublin based club Shamrock Rovers F.C. have shocked the world of football by purchasing some well known names in the game.

The club allegedly took out over €250 million in loans from over a hundred banks worldwide to fund it to "finally get our club into next years Champions League group phase" according to chairman Jonathon Roche.

The club, which has had no official home ground since 1987 (although does use 10,000 capacity Tolka Park), have purchased 12 players and all deals are final and will not go through until January 2008.

The full list is :

* Rigobert Song from Trabzonspor for €740,000

* Rafael Sóbis from Real Betis for €8 million

* Jerzy Dudek from Real Madrid for €5.5 million

* Alex from Chelsea for €10.5 million

* Marek Jankulovski from AC Milan for €9 million

* Aiden McGeady from Celtic for €17 million

* Rodrigo Palacio from Boca Juniors for €11 million

* Álvaro Arbeloa from Liverpool for €8.75 million

* Craig Bellamy from West Ham for €9.5 million

* Yaya Touré from Barcelona for €13 million

* Stefano Okaka Chuka from Roma on loan until July 2009

* Park Ji-Sung from Manchester United on loan until July 2009

If there are financial problems, FIFA said today on their website that all deals will be cancelled and Shamrock Rovers Football Club may be forced to cease trading.

Newcastle for sale. Man City owners declare interest.

2008-09-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has today decided that he has put the club up for sale. He released a legthy 1,644 word statement in which he makes it clear it is not an attack on former manager Kevin Keegan.

The news reportedly interests Manchester City's new owners Abu Dhabi United Group who are thinking of buying the club and merge it in with Man City.

Sulaiman Al-Fahim told reporters "Yes, we may buy Newcastle United Football Club and merge it in with City. Then with StJames Park, we were thinking of knocking it down and building a 82 storey building we could lease to local and national businesses. Surrounded by statues of the likes of Alan Shearer, Kevin Keegan, Terry McDermott, Michael Owen, Shay Given, Joey Barton, Fumaça and other Newcastle United legends to keep locals happy."

Zlatan Ibrahimović wants to live with Patrick Vieira

2008-09-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Oddball and Swedish international Zlatan Ibrahimović told reporters at Inter Milan's training ground today it his his dream to live with Patrick Vieira.

The 26 year old Swede said today "I don't know what it is about Patrick. His cleanliness. The fact he owns a Playstation 3. I am not sure. But I want to share an apartment or a house with him. I think I would leave my wife and two sons to live with him and we will have the world's greatest bachelor pad. I think I'll text him now"

Vieira was unavailable for comment.

Sami Hyypia hopeful for Ryder Cup call-up.

2008-09-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Liverpool defender Sami Hyypia has admitted he faces an uncertain future at Anfield after being left out of the club's 25-man Champions League squad.

He is however, hopeful of a call up to the European Team for the 2008 Ryder Cup in Louisville, Kentucky which takes place on September 19th-21st. He has admitted he has never played golf before in his life but is certain non-playing captain Nick Faldo will give him the call up.

The 34-year old Finn said "Yes, I am shocked Rafa did not pick me for the 25-man Champions League squad. But I reckon with my hand to eye coordination, I could be an excellent golfer. I already emailed Nick Faldo declaring my interest in playing the Ryder Cup. I am confident I will be a winner and I know a lot of people will say a lot about how I have never played before, but if you believe you can do something, you will achieve it."

Robinho thought Man City were Man United

2008-09-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

More confusion began at the City of Manchester stadium when Robinho admitted to reporters that he thought he had actually moved to Manchester United.

"I cannot believe it. Son of a bitch! I heard the word "Manchester" and I immediately though United. Not Manchester City. Now I am stuck here. I am very disappointed. But I will still kiss the crest of the club when I score." the Brazilian ace said.

Manager Mark Hughes was less than impressed "The little fucker. If he wants to go to United, maybe he should have fucking thought about it first before he signed on the dotted line with the headed paper that said MANCHESTER CITY."

Lifelong Man City fan and Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher said today to NME.com "See that cunt...if he doesn't bang in 30 goals minimum for us, I'll find the little cunt and give him a right slap around the cheek and get his missus and stick one up her"

Frank Lampard wants to be calle "Lampinho"

2008-09-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Chelsea ace Frank Lampard told reporters today that he now wants be known as Lampinho. He visited a Brazilian name generator online (found here http://www.minimalsworld.net/BrazilName/brazilian.shtml ) and feels it suits him better.

"I've always felt slightly Brazilian" said the England International "I understand their culture so much. Although I have absolutely no portugese, I feel I could adapt well in their lifestyle. Hopefully the FA allow the new name to stand".

Robinho's diva demands shock Chelsea

2008-08-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Real Madrid ace Robhinho has shocked the Chelsea board by giving them a list of demands should he sign for the club.

The Brazilian ace, who has been training with the Spanish giants this week gave a list to Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich and cheif executive Peter Kenyon. The list is as follows;

* To be guaranteed the number 10 or number 7 shirt for his entire Chelsea F.C. career.

* To start or be rested that any game he chooses for his entire Chelsea F.C. career despite manager's choice.

* 3 houses in London area. Value is to be no less than £1million each.

* 5 sports cars, 3 motorbikes and one jeep. Specifics to be confirmed.

* Chelsea F.C. must sign 1 player a month from his native São Vicente, São Paulo for their youth system for the rest of his Chelsea F.C. career giving them all at least a 1 year contract.

* 40 parking spaces in London area.

* 5 mobile phones are to be provided with unlimited use and the bill is to be paid by Chelsea F.C.

* To own his own land "somewhere in the countryside no less than 1 hour from London". Approximately 5 acres big as Robinho loves farming.

* To have "ROBINHO" written in different couloured seats in the stand at Stamford Bridge for at least 3 seasons.

* Chelsea F.C. are to pay for and arrange four holidays per annum for 30 of his family members of his choice in Brazil to go to anywhere in Europe for minimum 5 days - maximum 16 days.

* Robinho is to be given a guard of honour by team-mates for first 10 home games at Stamford Bridge.

* Free healthcare in London for the rest of Robinho's life.

* 100 x £50 vouchers for online Chelsea F.C. club shop to be sent to 100 family/friends in Madrid and São Paulo each fortnight.

* 1 x private jet

* 1 x helicoper

* 1 x speedboat on the Thames River.

* 2 bodyguards on 24 hour call.

Champions league draw and opinions.

2008-08-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

Group A CHELSEA, Roma, Bordeaux, CFR Cluj
Group B Inter Milan, Werder Bremen, Panathinaikos, Anorthosis Famagusta
Group C Barcelona, Sporting Lisbon, Basel, Shakhtar Donetsk
Group D LIVERPOOL, PSV Eindhoven, Marseille, Atletico Madrid
Group E MAN UTD, Villarreal, Celtic, Aalborg
Group F Lyon, Bayern Munich, Steaua Bucharest, Fiorentina
Group G ARSENAL, Porto, Fenerbahce, Dynamo Kiev
Group H Real Madrid, Juventus, Zenit St Petersburg, Bate Borisov

Chelsea manager "Big Phil" Scolari commented "It is important group for us. It was fantastic we drew the teams we paid UEFA to draw us with."
Inter Milan manager Jose Mourinho said "If you have three apples. One in one hand, another in the other hand, do you put the third in your mouth? That is what I think of this group."
Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola commented "I am going to ask UEFA can we wear our home strip when playing away to Basel."
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez told reporters "Easy group. Next question?"
Sir Alex Ferguson of Manchester United said "Who the fuck are Aalborg? Where is that? Don't say a cold climate."
Bayern Munich Jürgen Klinsmann said "I want to bring sexy football into the Champions League. I feel Steaua Bucharest may not be into it."
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said after the draw "What am I doing? I'm wasting my whole life in football (sobs). I'm 58 fucking years of age and I've no kids or never married (sobs). What's my legacy? Football? Henry? Pires? Vieira? Hoo-fucking-ray"
Real Madrid coach Bernd Schuster said the competition is "as good as won"

Shaun Wright-Phillips "forced" to re-sign to Man City

2008-08-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

New Manchester City signing Shaun Wright-Phillips has told reporters he was "forced" to re-sign for Man City.

"Well, when I met Thaksin Shinawatra and Mark Hughes, they locked the door behind me and Shinawatra pulled out a 9-iron golf club and approached me. Mark Hughes, one of my heroes, then pulls out a steak knife and they told me if I didn't sign a contract that I would be beaten to an inch of my life and stabbed in the testicles." Wright-Philips explained.

Shaun Wright-Phillips signed a contract and is now officially a Manchester City player and signed a four-year contract worth approximately £80,000 a week.

"I am fucking shitting myself. What if miss a penalty? Or score an own goal? Is Thaksin going to dismember me?" Wright-Philips said.

Footballers make knife-crime plea

2008-08-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

David Beckham has joined other England football stars to call on young people to stop carrying knives.

The LA Galaxy midfielder said "I live in Los Angeles and gun crime seems like a more appropriate way to murder somebody. Knives are somewhat cold blooded. A gunshot wound to the head, the victim wont know much about it. Good for the soul.".

Police are investigating Beckham's comments.

Gareth Barry transfer saga : latest

2008-08-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Aston Villa's Gareth Barry revealed that he is pledging his "love and commitment to Aston Villa".

The England international told the Daily Star "I was totally disillusioned with the Liverpool fiasco. The bids they put in. I know want to tell everyone of my love and commitment to Aston Villa Football Club. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Aston Villa's badge and a picture of Martin O'Neill on my leg. I love this club. I will never leave."

The saga continues.

Not one club in the world wants Eto'o.

2008-08-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

Given the news this week that Barcleona manager Pep Guardiola dedided he is going to keep striker Samuel Eto'o, it has been revealed that no club on earth were interested in the Cameroon international.
Director of Football, Txiki Begiristain told press "We sent out emails, faxes and letters to every club in every league in the world. We hired 300 staff to do this over the past few weeks. Every club responded with a polite "thanks but no thanks" letter with the exception of Newcastle United in England who told us to go fuck ourselves. So Samuel will remain a Barcelona player. Not by choice."

Eto'o told Football News at Barcelona's training facility at the Camp Nou today "Well, it is an honour for me to wear the Barcelona shirt once more. I was scared some team like Charlton or Shakhtar Donetsk or Steaua Bucureşti or some other nobody would want me. Thankfully nobody did."

Matt Damon takes Michael Ballack to court

2008-08-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

Hollywood actor Matt Damon is suing Chelsea and Germany maestro Michale Ballack for unknown reasons at this time.
The star of Good Will Hunting told reporters he is "sick to death of the constant talk" that he and Michael Ballack are never seen in the same room together, sparking rumours, they are the same person.
More on this story as it breaks.

Gareth Barry transfer saga : latest.

2008-08-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

Gareth Barry, who has had bids turned down by Liverpool for him from his club Aston Villa, has told reporters "he just wants out".

"I watched the Liverpool and Lazio game the other day. I thought to myself that could be on that pitch. I seen the Community Shield and I asked myself "why am I not out there today?". But most of all, why the hell am I stuck at this mid-table club in Birmingham? I don't even like this place. The good Lord came to me last night in a dream and told me to get out. To anybody. So I just want out, people. I know the gaffer won't sell me for anything less than something like £100 million or something silly. But I want out. So, I appeal to my own gaffer and gaffers of every club in the world, please rescue me. And if Mr Schuster is watching, I'd love to sign for Madrid if Ronaldo ain't going. You can pay me £100 a-week. I don't mind. I just want out." Barry told reporters.

Eric Cantona makes porn film.

2008-08-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

Manchester United legend Eric Cantona, whose subsequent career has mostly been in the French cinema, primarily as an actor although he has also directed one film, has written, directed and starred in his own pornographic film.

"Her Wet Zip" is the pornographic debut from the 42 year-old Frenchman. It sees King Eric perform sex acts such as a dirty sanchez and ass-to-mouth with a host of young porno actresses.

Sir Alex Ferguson has stated his "disgust at Eric's poor taste" at his latest movie to Football News after the Community Shield at Wembley.

Carlos Tévez contemplating retirement after Community Shield win.

2008-08-10T15:22:00.001-07:00

Manchester United striker Carlos Tévez told reporters he is considering retirement after United's Community Shield win, claiming it has always been his dream to win this honour.

"Yes. Ever since I was a little boy in Argentina, I would see teams win the Community Sield, or Charity Shield. I remember I seen Leeds win it in '92 and I have been addicted ever since. I always thought that no matter what I would win, if I win the Community Shield, I feel there would be nothing better. Never mind the Wolrd Cup, the Copa América, Copa Libertadores or even the Champions League. The Community Shield was everything to me. I don't know if there's anything I could win that would mean anything" Tévez told a press conference.

Sir Alex Ferguson declined to comment.

Rafael Benitez fined for excessive drunkeness and clubbing the night before a home match.

2008-08-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez was fined £5,000 by the club for his extreme drunken behaviour with page 3 models and strippers the night before the pre-season game against Lazio.

The 48 year old Champions League winner initially went for a meal in Jamie Carragher's restautant Cafe Sports England with some former Liverpool players including Sammy Lee, Kenny Dalglish, Steve McManaman, Alan Hansen and Ronnie Whelan where benitez was said to have drank two bottles of wine. The Spaniard left at approximately 8PM with Ronnie Whelan and Sammy Lee and the trio proceeded to the Cavern Club in the city's famous Matthew Street where they reportedly has at least four pints each according to sources. The trio left with three girls who work in a nearby strip club. The six, including Benitez, proceeded to BabyCream bar at the Albert Dock where they drank shots with the strippers and the Liverpool manager downed several shots according to eyewitnesses.

At 11.20PM, Benitez and Lee proceeded to the Lime Kiln Bar at Concert Square in the heart of the city, where the two men were allegedly smoking outside the venue and Lee was kissing a (unnamed) page 3 model while Benitez was vomiting according to eyewitnesses. Benitez was last seen entering a taxi alone at 2.20AM at Concert Square still clutching a bottle of beer. With the numerous fan photographs and MMS pictures of Benitez's wild night out, Liverpool FC had no choice but to fine the manager for acting "unprofessionally" as this behaviour all occured the night before before Liverpool's pre-season game against Lazio.

Ashley Cole threatens to leave Chelsea.

2008-08-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

Chelsea defender Ashley Cole admitted he may leave Chelsea unless he gets a rather unusual demand.

The 27 year old former Arsenal player told Chelsea TV "Basically, I told the gaffer that I'm more than a footballer, I'm a star. I'm the talent. I see more kids wear COLE 3 football shirts in the Bridge than anyone else. So I said I need to be comfortable at all times if I'm to sell Chelsea shirts and if 40,000 plus come see me every week. So for starters I want to have six men in white suits carry me out onto the pitch. The gaffer said he couldn't do that so I said to him if it can't be done, there's no point me staying here. Know what I mean? I'm worth too much."

The saga continues.

Kaká explains trademark slogan.

2008-08-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

26 year old AC Milan wizard Kaká has explained the meaning behind his famous "I BELONG TO JESUS" shirt he wears under his football shirt at games.

Talking to Italian Sky Sports, the Brazilian said "It goes back to 2003 when I left São Paulo for Milan basically my agent signed over the rights to me as a player to the Catholic Church. So basically, I do belong to Jesus".

Amsterdam Tournament to take place at Wembley next year.

2008-08-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

The Amsterdam Tournament, which this year seen Ajax, Arsenal, Sevilla and Inter Milan compete, will next year be played at Wembley Stadium.

It will be called "Amsterdam Tournament on Tour" for marketing purposes and the English and Dutch FA's are both delighted. FA Chief executives Brian Barwick said "The tournament has featured an English team every year since 2000. None of the English like travel. And everybody gives out when English fans do travel abroad claiming they are hooligans. Well, they won't behave this way in their own back garden. Problem solved." he told a press conference. Royal Netherlands Football Association president Jeu Sprengers says the motives were different adding "Well, they offered us a massive sum of money. We accepted. Now we go to London to play this so-called cup."

Colin Kazim-Richards not eligible to play for Turkey.

2008-08-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

Under new Turkish law, Colin Kazim-Richards is no longer eligible to play for the Tukish national team. Passports can only be claimed for those born in Turkey and all passports for those born in foreign countries are revoked.

This could mean that the Fenerbahçe midfielder, known in Turkey as Kâzım Kâzım, will have his caps taken off him. But the 21-year old could also have his family down £1 mil as his father made a bet in 2003 on that his son would get at least 10 caps for Turkey. The player is only on 7 caps at time of writing. The player is reported to be "not bothered too much".

Ronaldinho gives real reason why he chose number 80.

2008-08-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

New AC Milan signing Ronaldinho has given the real reason why he has the number 80 shirt. At first, it was widely believed that it was for the year of his birth, but Ronaldinho insisted in magazine World Soccer that this was not the case.

"The real reason is actually that I have 80 illigitimet children all over the world since 2002. This is a tribute to every one of them. It is just coincidence it also the year of my birth, but my children deserve some sort of mention." the former Barcelona ace explained.

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar opens Amsterdam coffee shop.

2008-08-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

Ajax maestro Klaas-Jan Huntelaar has opened a coffee shop in the centre of Amsterdam that sells coffee and every type of cannabis possible. The shop, called "Klaas's Smoking Coffee Hour" was opened last Friday by the man himself and guest and Ajax coach Marco van Basten, who christened the shop by having it's first joint. "It's good stuff. My face is a bit numb now. I think I need to lie down" van Basten told reporters.

Huntelaar explained to Football News "Amsterdam is no longer famous for Van Gough and the culture aspect of it. People come here to get very stoned, sleep with some hookers and get as intoxicated as humanly possible. Our economy thrives on it."

Harry Redknapp wants to unsettle Deco.

2008-08-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp admitted on an interview he wants to deliberately unsettle Chelsea midfielder Deco.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, well you know, if I could get Deco on the dog and bone, pretend I'm someone at Chelsea, not someone monkeying about, and tell stuff like how Chelsea is full of drugs and violence and money laundering and Russian Mafia and all that gab, hopefully it'll unsettle him and I can swoop in in the January transfer window and be all chinese rice to him and hopefully and ultimately bring him here to our lovely jubbly football rub a dub dub" Redknapp told Sky Sports.

Chelsea are investigating the comments and are likely to go the FA with a complaint.

São Paulo manager threatens to rape players depending on results.

2008-08-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

Contraversial manager Muricy Ramalho of São Paulo Futebol Clube has warned players if the bad results come in, he will "one by one" sexually rape them.

In an open letter to Brazilian newspaper Sport, "It's as simple as this. If São Paulo Futebol Clube are not successful this season, I will physically and sexually rape all my players, one by one, when they least expect it. At the training ground, in the shower, on a plane, at home in their beds. I will creep in and poke them hard. Then we will soon see results". São Paulo chairman Juvenal Juvêncio appears to be in support of his manager's bizarre ways stating "It's his club to manage. He must do what he must do. If rape gets me the title, rape it is!".

São Paulo goalkeeper and club captain Rogério Ceni told ESPN, "Surely he can not do this. Threaten us with sexual abuse. It is not nice and most intimidating. Especially with me being the goalkeeper and easy to blame. I'd be first. We are not in prison. We are a club. I should resign, but I love the club just that bit too much."

PSG want to merge with Lyon and Auxerre

2008-08-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Paris Saint-Germain FC, who themselves were founded in 1970 by the merger of Paris FC Stade Saint-Germain want to merge into a "superclub" with Lyon and Nice.

The idea was put forth by Paris Saint-Germain chairman Charles Villeneuve who put the idea to the board of both clubs, who reportedly both seem keen. "Yes, it will be most fantastic" explained Villeneuve, "and one fantastic aspect is that we may still be based in Paris but the name of the club could be PSG Lyonice FC and we think that sounds most appealing. We can all go in with everything being split 33.3%. This will mean the sale of a lot of players but we feel we can become invincible. Contracts have to be drawn up first though."

France legend Zinedine Zidane has hinted he would come out of retirement to join the club. According to zidane.fr "It would take a large offer to get me out of retirement. I am enjoying life with my family. But a new Paris based club sounds interesting."

Cristiano Ronaldo shirts sold at Real Madrid Club shop.

2008-08-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

The Real Madrid club shop at the Santiago Bernabéu Stadium are selling R.Madrid "C.RONALDO 27" replica shirts despite the fact that he is still a Manchester United player. With the summer being filled with speculation about Ronaldo's move to the Spanish giants, he now looks likely to remain a Man United player. This is not stopping the ever-ambitious Real Madrid.

"It is fantastic. With all these shirts being sold, he couldn't be so rude and refuse coming here. Besides, it always rains in Manchester." said one shopper.

According to statistics at shop.realmadrid.com, a replica shirt with RONALDO 27 on the back will cost €70 and there has been reportedly 12,000 sold already.

Giovanni van Bronckhorst to buy squad number.

2008-08-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

Feynoord left back Giovanni van Bronckhorst is so eager to wear the number 5 jersey he has agreed to purchase it from current holder Tim de Cler for €1.5 mil.

"I don't like number 8. Number 5 has been my number for my country for years. Tim said he wouldn't give it up. So I made him an offer of €50 which he refused. He managed to get me up to €1.5 mil which he accpeted by cheque. I wrote the wrong figure on the cheque so hopefully he won't notice I only gave him €1.50. Hopefully he finds the funny side of it" the former Barcelona star said.

Tim de Cler told reporters "I am delighted with the transaction. €1.5 mil is nothing in today's game. A squad number is very important for the player. If he wants to pay it, pay it then he shall. Now if you'll excuse me gentleman. I'm going to cash this cheque as I've bought a villa in Portugal and a private jet."

Guti fined for excessive goal celebration.

2008-08-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

Real Madrid midfielder Guti was fined €10,000 for his excessive goal celebration in a pre-season match today.
Guti scored a diving header in Real Madrid's 3-0 training pre-season match against Real Madrid B at the Santiago Bernabéu Stadium in front of 21,500 fans. Immediately after scoring the goal, the 31 year old Madrid native ran to the corner flag and stuck his finger up his anus through his shorts screaming "I hate guys, I love women you sons of bitches".
The club fined him immediately after the match and chairman Roman Calderon the player he was not to dare pull any more stunts like that "or else". Guti apologised to fans on realmadrid.com this evening.

José Bosingwa literally "cannot believe" he signed for Chelsea.

2008-08-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

Chelsea F.C.'s Portugese defender José Bosingwa told FourFourTwo.com today that he thought he had signed for Arsenal when he arrived in London but was too embarrassed to say anything when he landed at Heathrow Airport.

"I keep getting the two clubs mixed up. I thought Chelsea was Arsenal and Arsenal were Chelsea. I wanted to play alongside Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie for sure. Not alongside JT (John Terry) or Lamps (Frank Lampard). But I've signed now and I'm here. So I suppose I'd better do my job. Maybe if I put in a transfer request in January and see if my agent can get onto Arsene Wenger to see if he'll take me. I'd take massive pay-cut. We'll see what happens" Bosingwa said.

Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich is reportedly livid at these revalations. "I will kill that motherfucker with my AK-47 if I see him" it was reported he told his assistant at Stamford Bridge. Police are investigating these allegations.

Giovanni Trappattoni asks Irish girls to marry Brazilian men for money.

2008-08-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

Republic of Ireland manager Giovanni Trappattoni told the Irish public that it's single women should arrange marrying young upcoming Brazilian footballers, in order for them to gain a passport for the Republic.

"I think it should be almost compulsary. We only have two or three good players. The rest are average or below average. If you get 3,000 Irish ladies to marry 3,000 Brazilian footballers, that means we have 3,000 more options for our team. We will pay both parties obviously. Brazil produces the best footballers and out of 3,000 at least one or two will become world class if they are trained correctly." Trappattoni told BBC Sport.

Brazilian team Fluiminese have reportedly told the FAI they will let 150 of their youth players aged 16-20 marry Irish women for passports for a "small fee".

Fernando Torres gets second job in a mobile phone shop.

2008-08-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

Anfield legend Fernando Torres has got a second part-time job in a Vodafone outlet store in Liverpool's city centre to "pass the time".

The Spanish international told Liverpool Echo "there isn't that much to do in Liverpool except go drinking, clubbing, golfing, driving or play football, and I play football professionally and don't like any of the others so I decided to get a job to pass the time. Plus, it gives me more pocket money for petrol, DVD's and groceries and stuff".

"The reason I got a job here in this Vodafone store is because my phone is Vodafone and I like this street. It's only a 10-15 minute drive from my apartment. Xabi (Alonso) came in the other day looking for a replacement sim card. I barred him because I have the power to do so. I told him I was joking and told him to come back but I didn't give him a discount because I am also on commission."

Fernando works 3-4 hours every second day in the Vodafone Store in Parker Street, Liverpool.

Giovani dos Santos sparks trouble in training.

2008-08-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

Tottenham whizzkid Giovani dos Santos landed himself in hot water with coach Juande Ramos after he revelaed a t-shirt with Austrian sex-pest Josef Fritzl's image on it during training session.

The former Barcelona player is said to be a sympathiser of Frizl's actions having told friends that he committed those gruesome acts with his daughter "out of love". Fritzl is currently held in custody having held his daughter captive in an underground dungeon for 24 years forcing her to father seven children by him.

Spurs' coach Juande Ramos fined dos Santos two weeks wages and ordered him never to wear that t-shirt again. Dos Santos' father Gerardo told Mexican press that his son was "considering getting Fritzl's face tattooed on his forearm" which will land him in extreme trouble with the north London club.

Celtic and Rangers "allowed" to join South African premier league

2008-08-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

Despite the common pub-talk of "should Celtic and Rangers play in the Premiership", the South African FA have said they would let both teams join the ABSA Premier League, the top tier of South African football.

Both clubs said they would love to play in any league except the SPL and this is the first offer both clubs have had.

The South African FA said both clubs would have to relocate in the same city in South Africa, for the derby element with Cape Town being the likely contender. Both clubs' stadia are set to be demolished and rebuilt in their new city using the same bricks.

Head of Celtic Bhoys Supporters Group Alan McNeill is furious telling us "I cannae fucking believe it like. How am I supposed to get ma arse down to fuckin' South Africa to see the hoops?"
Rangers Loyal Supporters Club founder Billy French is pleased, "Aye...it's nae too fuckin bad. Beers are cheaper in South Africa like. I'm gonnae buy ma flat in Cape Town so I cannae wait for the season to begin".

Norwich City to become "new Real Madrid" says new owner Bill Gates.

2008-08-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

Microsoft founder and new Norwich City manager Bill Gates told a press conference that he will turn the club around into the new Real Madrid since he bought the club for £220 mil earlier today.

The Seattle-born billionaire told a press conference at the Norwich Hilton "I have always watched Norwich City at home in the States. I have loved them since the era of Jeremy Goss and Chris Sutton. I feel at home here in Norwich and I will turn this club around into the new Real Madrid. I will invest £10 billion into the club to upgrade the stadium, new staff, new players and new everything. I will turn Carrow Road into a new 85,000 all-seater stadium and I will be looking for players like Luis Figo, Ronaldo, Raul, Roberto Carlos, David Beckham and, if I can get him out of retirement, Zinedine Zidane to build the club in the direction it deserves to be in".

Manager Glenn Roeder has been sacked also this morning, with Frank Rijkaard likely to become his new successor.

Gates has confirmed that all the current players have all been sacked and he is looking for world class galacticos with the exception of Gary Doherty who Gates is a fan of and insists that he will be club captain and even offered him a new five-year contract worth £130,000 a week.
The city of Norwich may never be the same again...

Fabio Cappello to gamble on new formation.

2008-08-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

England manager Fabio Capello told Football News that he plans un unveil a new formation that will win him "everything possible".

The proposed idea is that he will play a 1-2-7 formation. One defender, two midfielders and seven forwards. Which is bad news for many of England's defenders fighting for that one place and the midfielder's all struggling for the two available places, but it will however be good news for many of England's players such as Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch who have struggled to be first choice strikers.

"It is a fantastic idea. Sure, the opposition may score many times because we have one defender but we will bombard their defence with our seven strikers." Capello said.

He had previously tried a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation in a training match against England U-21's at their training ground which the senior team ultimately lost 32-1, the one goal coming ironically from goalkeeper David James.

Maldini signs a 14 year extension at Milan.

2008-08-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

AC Milan veteran Paolo Maldini has signed a 14 year extension which earn him a cool €5 mil a year. The 40-year old former Italian international will be 54 years old when he retires from the game. A clause in his contract means he must play 75% of the season despite any injuries or family berevaments.

"I am very happy. To be able to play football until I am leat 54 is a dream come true. And even when that contract expires I hope to be in top shape to be able to sign another one. I expect to completely retire when I'm 75, maybe 80." said the defender.

Milan team-mate Ronaldinho said "He is a true star. Many people are well retired by the time they even reach 35. Paolo is an inspiration. I just hope he doesn't die in the mean-time".

Maldini also got a tattoo of "AC MILAN" tattoed on his eyelids showing his complete support and loyalty to the club.

Lukas Podolski "interested" in becoming Manchester United manager

2008-08-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

23-year old Bayern Munich and Germany star Lukas Podolski told German TV that he is very interested in becoming Manchester United manager once Alex Ferguson steps down.

Ferguson said the Polish born player would be "the most ideal candidate to take over" once he had retired. Many fans, writers, critics and fellow footballers are absolutely against the idea of Podolski becoming manager except one Frank Rijkaard who told Sky Sports News "He is qualified to take over such a team. Look what happened when Staunton took over Republic of Ireland with no experience? They won some games".

Joey Barton fights himself in training.

2008-08-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

Newcastle United star Joey Barton had to be restrained by team-mates at a training session after he was on the ground repeatedly punching himself in the face and chasing himself with with his own boot in his hand after he made a bad pass and screaming "I'll fucking rape you" (at himself) as he ran all over the pitch in a haze of his own anger.

Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan said "Joey's obviously very upset and he'll get the time he needs to get his head together."

Paul McShane is a target for River Plate.

2008-08-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Buenos Aires giants River Plate are reportedly going to make a £9 mil bid for Sunderland defender Paul McShane.

Manager Diego Simeone said that McShane is the "greatest player to ever kick a ball". The 22 year old Irish international has admitted although he has never heard of River Plate nor does he know where Buenos Aires is (he thought it was in Glasgow), he said he is relishing the prospect of playing for such a massive club.

Sunderland manager Roy Keane said McShane is surplus to requirments at the Stadium of Light and has since gained interest from AC Milan, Bayern Munich, Sligo Rovers, Celtic and Real Madrid. However it seems to be Rover Plate that will win the Wicklow-born defender.

McShane's mother Anne told Irish radio station 2FM that she hopes her son's pale skin "doesn't get burned in that Italian sun" (she got Buenos Aires confused with Naples).

The deal is set to be done in the coming days.

Scientology to be shirt sponsor of LA Galaxy

2008-08-08T17:22:00.000-07:00

Cash strapped LA Galaxy have announced that the Church of Scientology will be the new shirt sponsor for the next two seasons, earning the club $10 mil a season. It was confirmed on the Galaxy's website that David Beckham asked Tom Cruise if he could ask the Church would they sponsor the club which they agreed to with one condition; everybody who wears an LA Galaxy shirt is automatically converted to the religion and must sign a form before they get a shirt to confirm so. This includes players, staff and even fans.

Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz said in USA Today "I am glad that the Church of Scientology is going to sponsor us. It'll raise both our profiles as organisations.".

Celtic, in a copycat idea, are rumoured to be hoping Pope Benedict XVI to consider sponsoring Celtic for the 2009/2010 season. Watch this space.

Cesc Fabregas denies he ever played at Barça

2008-08-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

In an interview with FourFourTwo.com, Arsenal maestro Cesc Fabregas denied he has ever played for Barcelona. "No, no, no...I started my career at Arsenal. This is where I'll finish." explained Cesc, despite it being a known fact that he and his family has supported FC Barcelona since childhood and went to his first match when he was nine months old with his grandfather and played for their youth team for many years scoring more than 30 goals a season before Arsene Wenger took him to London in 2003.

"I have no idea where all this came from. I was born in Spain yes, but I have been playing here (in London) since 2003 and did not play before then. I used to play with my friends in Arenys de Mar on the street and in a park. Never at Barça. I am puzzled where all this came from" a bemused Cesc said. When shown a photo of him wearing the famous blaugrana shirt of Barcelona in a youth match he shrugged and said "that's not me".

Rumours are floating around that Arsene Wenger may be using hypnosis on the 21 year old 2008 European Champion.

AC Milan & Inter to perform massive San Siro upgrade.

2008-08-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

City rivals AC Milan and Inter Milan, who both share the massive San Siro have come to an agreement to increase the size of the stadium. The agreement will see the stadium rise from it's current 82,955 capacity to a staggering 310,000 mega-stadium. It will be approximately twice it's current size in height and have five main tiers of seating around the pitch.

It will still be called the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza (Stadio San Siro) and will be the first UEFA ten-star stadium. It was also have a hotel, 24hr bar, supporters lounge, 50 snack kiosks, a shopping centre, an airport and a DIY store all within the stadium. Building will start immediately and should be finished within a fortnight as there will be almost two million construction workers on site working 24 hours a day. Cost of the upgrade is almost €30 billion.

In the meantime both Milanese clubs will play their home games at the Emirates Stadium, London.

Maradona "thinking of coming out of retirement"

2008-08-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

Argentine legend Diego Maradona told a radio station in Cuba yesterday that he may once again put on the famous light blue & white striped shirt of Argentina. "I am in the best shape of my career. I don't drink, smoke or take any drugs. I feel I could wear the number 10 for Argentina and possibly play a season for a big club. Boca Juniors, Barcelona or Celtic if any of them will have me." Maradona told Radio Havana.

The 47 year old former Napoli striker said he was strongly considering growing a moustache. "Yes, I am thinking about it, very much so." Maradona explained, "it is long the facial hair choice of supreme leaders, I feel I have that quality. Why not? All the best footballers had moustaches also."

Argentina coach Alfio Basile said he would "definitely have Diego in every match" and award him the captaincy if he came out of retirement.

Steven Gerrard shocking revelations in interview.

2008-08-08T13:11:00.001-07:00

Liverpool genius Steven Gerrard let loose on his private and public life in an in depth interview with the BBC this week.

He revealed how he planned on kidnapping Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez and torturing him if he bought another Spanish player in 2005.

He spilled the beans on his massive "import/export" business with a local gangster which seen him bring in £2 mil worth of drugs every month in 2007.

The Liverpool captain told how Wayne Rooney begged him to let him have sex with his wife Alex Curran, even offering Gerrard £10 mil in cash at one point during the 2006 world cup.

He even told in depth about his aspirations to become a stand-up comic once he hangs up his boots and how much he is looking forward to taking up smoking.

It can be seen this Monday at 9pm on BBC1.

Samuel Eto'o wants to join Celtic.

2008-08-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

As previously reported about Celtic's very own galactico era, Barcelona striker Samuel Eto'o said he wants to join the new revolution at Celtic Park.
"I will cut my own motherfucking balls off to be a part of it. Any cocksucker who thinks I'm not good enough to play for Celtic needs to get thrown in a barrel of shit and recycled in camel urine." Eto'o told Spanish newspaper Marca.
Barcelona Joan Laporta told Football News "He is an important player for us. But we will only sell him for anything over €1 million. Any less is not negotiable."
Eto'o agent was photographed in Glasgow this morning having a glass of Buckfast and a cigarette with members of Celtic FC's boardroom.

Jose Mourinho admits to kissing Guti

2008-08-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

Inter Milan manager Jose Mourinho admitted to kissing Real Madrid midfielder Guti "tongues and everything" in the toilet of a charity event at a Madrid hotel. He told Football News; "Yes. We did briefly kiss. In the toilet. Yeah, it was tongues and everything. But it was love. And love makes us all stronger. And I want to be as strong as I can for the season ahead. That's all I'm going to say on the matter". The former Chelsea manager's marriage seems on the rocks now according to sources.

Guti was the subject of dressing room jokes according to our Spanish sources with team mates leaving "Mrs Mourinho" t-shirts and strap-on dildo's with Portugese flags on them at Guti's changing locker.

Arsene Wenger joins Oasis for one night only.

2008-08-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is set to join Oasis on drums for one concert at the Rexall Place in Edmonton, Canada on Friday 29th August. Wenger was seen at Oasis' rehearsal rooms in London this week clutching a cigarette and looking unshaven. "It was a complete change from his usual appearance" a pal told Football News. Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher told Q Magazine "He's a fucking great geezer and a shit hot drummer. Fuck his managerial abilities, that cunt drumming on Lyla is on of the Greatest things I've ever seen.". Meanwhile brother and singer Liam Gallagher is less pleased about the appointment "I'd only have him as a permanent fixture in my fucking band if he was Man City manager. I fucking hate Arsenal and their stupid mess. But I suppose a good drummer is a good drummer".

Arsene Wenger was unavailable for comment at the time of writing.

Celtic to start their own "galactico era"

2008-08-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

Celtic FC chairman Dr. John Reid and manager Gordon Strachan have announced plans to start their very own galactico era. Similar to that of Real Madrid's former policy under Florentino Perez.
"We're very excited. We don't mind how much debt we run up. We know we'll make it back" said Reid.
Confirmed targets include Kaka', Iker Cassillas, Lionel Messi and Cesc Fabregas.
"We have made bids for all of these players and I can confirm that Arsenal have accepted our £89 million bid for Cesc. We are waiting to hear back from the other clubs but considering what we are offering, we are more than confident they will all come." Reid told a press conference at Celtic Park.

Gordon Strachan seemed surprised. "Well, when the chairman told me to look for some quality players, I sent some scouts round to the Raith Rovers' under 19's last week to see if we can snap up a whizz kid for about £20,000. But I had fucking no idea he was gonna give us billions for world class. I hope he doesn't run the club into debt." said the 51-year old former Manchester United player.

Rumoured targets include Fernando Torres, Cristiano Ronaldo and Steven Gerrard.

Oleguer "not bothered" with Ajax move.

2008-08-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

Former Barcelona player Oleguer Presas has said in a press conference he is "not bothered" with his move to Ajax. "I can't believe they actually bought me. I'm not even going to bother turning up for training half the time" the 28-year old defender said.

The news is something that outraged Ajax boss Marco van Basten. "He is a fucker...I mean, no comment" van Basten told Football News. Oleguer's future seems unclear.